Monthly Archives: October 2012

To everything there is a season

Leave a reply

Ecclesiastes 3 is foundation for the title today. This set of verses in Ecclesiastes has always been one of my favorites.  I love those verses so much that a dear friend gave them to me on a plaque that hangs in my dining room.   I have welcomed the literal change of seasons in southwestern Minnesota, especially in relation to my gardens.  The verses have been a soothing balm when I have, often in retrospect, applied them to my children’s growth and maturity or even to the loss or waning of friendships.  But just this morning, God laid them on my heart because of something big that is occurring in my life tomorrow.

If I were completely honest, I wrestled with God on this blog.  I just wanted to go forward with the least amount of people knowing.  God, however, had other ideas.  I have learned over the years that when God stirs me, I should act.

For years, I have struggled with reproductive health issues.  Given that I have had three midterm miscarriages, years of health struggles and a personal family history of many hysterectomies in their 30’s, I shouldn’t be that surprised.  In my head, I know that my procedure tomorrow is medically necessary, but in my heart I am not ready for that season to come to end.

Thankfully, my procedure is much less intense than a complete hysterectomy, but it does mark the end of my ability to bear children, which was growing up one of my two life goals.  All I ever wanted was to be a mom and to be a teacher.  Thank goodness – I have a husband who understood my goals, because we discussed raising kids on our first date. (And he DIDN’T run for the hills!)

Telling my head and my body (which is tired of being tired and anemic) that I need this procedure is one thing. Convincing my heart is another matter entirely. Birthing more children has not been on our agenda at all, but when the reality of the end loomed, my heart ached.

I am grateful to close friends and family for their advice and love over the last week and half.  A few have had the same, similar or larger procedures.  Not one has poo-pooed my feelings, and actually most have shared they experienced the same.  One friend even went so far as to say that most women have a long period of time to adjust to that idea, but it is as if the doctors slammed the door on me.  Her words were prophetic, speaking exactly what my heart was feeling.  Two friends, who know me very well, went out of their way to call and encourage to not delay because their procedures were the best things they had done for themselves in years. Offers for help with the kids, help for me, and of course, prayers came pouring in as well.

Through their kindnesses, I have seen God’s message of love.  My friends don’t want to see me suffer through anymore.  They don’t want to see me miss out on things because I am either tired or afraid to go out because there might be “accidents”. I think instinctively they knew that due to losing four of our own children this would be a BIG deal to me.  Even more than all of that, they know (sometimes more than I know) that God has plans for me and my life, and often my health gets in the way.

So today, while I know that my heart is going to need some time to adjust, I am not going to mope or be fearful. I realize after God’s reminder of these verses this morning that he is the Creator of all things, including the inspiration for medical procedures that do indeed transform lives. Also, I see through my friends and family that God’s love is all over this transition in my life.

I really didn’t want to write this blog, but God reminded of how many years I suffered in silence.  This most private of topics was something that I didn’t want to air publicly, but God said since when has that stopped me. He was right, of course, because I have no problem sharing deeply about my grief, loss, and faith. Why would my health be any different? I didn’t want to share that I am vulnerable and that I might need help, but when I did, many stepped up and offered it.  Even my fears for the procedure itself were laid to rest by the sweet surgeon’s reassurances echoed by the same day surgery nurse.

Yes, a season of my life is coming to an end, but I know, I KNOW, that God has something amazing waiting in store for me at the beginning of my new SEASON.

LOVE NOTE:  Our physical needs have been graciously attended for the next several days, but all prayers will be coveted!

A great love story . . . chapter 1

Leave a reply

Over the weekend, my family and I had the honor to attend and participate in our oldest nephew’s wedding.  We had a fabulous weekend and experience.  Despite earlier forecasts of cold rain, gray skies and wind, it was a beautiful, North Dakota fall day with sunshine and a temperature warmer than predicted.  The weather however wasn’t what made the day so special.  More so, it was the love that was shared among our family.

If I were completely honest I would say that the bride and groom, Jeanette and Derek were somewhat disappointed with several things that happened that day.  None of which were within their control.  Knowing their feelings was what prompted me to write this blog.  I have many more years of life under my feet and a few more miles on my marriage which will be celebrating 20 years in May.  I promise if I were J & D, I would have been let down as well, but through my eyes a great love story is just starting to be written.

No matter which way I looked all I saw was love.  Love for Derek and Jeanette and for those that love them.  Instead of writing that chapter (which really isn’t mine to write), I am choosing to share snippets of what I experienced that day.

  • A buzz of excitement at several houses as details were tended to get people ready.  For Cloie alone, it took one and half hours to do her hair.  At 7, that is a long time to sit . . . for love.
  • After a wardrobe malfunction (think white tux on a 4 year old ring bearer), the best man runs to the only store in town to find a Clorox pen.  All that fuss. . . for love.
  • The bride asking how the groom was doing only to be told, “He’s nervous.”  A spirit of panic filled the room, until it was explained that he was nervous not about marrying the girl of his dreams, but because he wanted the day to perfect for that same girl.  A real human emotion . . . for love.
  • Even though the aisle was too small for my request and I did get some raised eyebrows, I was escorted by both my son and my godson down the aisle to my pew seat. Despite the fact that we didn’t fit real well, my boys obliged out . . . of love.
  • Insistence on the couple’s part to not see each other before the ceremony was firm as family and friends executed spy-like missions to transport one or the other throughout the church.  None involved have espionage experience, but all willingly participated . . .for love.
  • When the big moment finally came, nary a dry eye could be found watching as both the bride and groom cried during her processional into the church.  I have been to many weddings in my lifetime, and I can only recall one other time that occurred.  Overcome . . . by love.
  • Family pictures following the ceremony went very smoothly. (As a former photographer’s assistant for weddings, that is a rare.)  No protests of “being as photogenic as a dishrag” were uttered and no hunting for family needed for pictures occurred.  Willing participants . . . for love.
  • There were moments of missing family and a friend who passed away the same day.  But other family stepped in and loved on those feeling that grief – not to take away the hurt, but to recognize the raw, conflicting emotions.  Their presence and encouragement only based . . . in love.
  • At the reception, things were a little hectic.  Aunties, uncles, and parents choreographed an amazing dance of filling bowls and bellies with food and refreshment.   Not done because of obligation or duty, but . . . for love.
  •  When cake cutting time happened, aunties and cousins sprang into action to cut and deliver that ornate confectionary delicacy to the guests.  Teenagers and younger serving just because help was needed showed nothing but . . . love.
  • Dancing time was a family affair with an opportunity that melted my heart, I had the honor of dancing with the groom’s brother.  (I will admit I was second choice because Erin had been swept away by the ring-bearer.)  But having an opportunity to privately visit with my nephew while twirling around the dance floor filled my heart . . . with love.
  • The bouquet toss was quite an experience (as was the garter toss).  But seeing the tiniest girl out there literally perform a dive that would rival a spectacular end zone touchdown reception was a sight to behold.  Yes, Cloie caught the bouquet which sits on her dresser now.  Even though we agree Prince Charming can wait many (MANY) years to show up here, Cloie’s motivation was to take home more than memories of a day filled . . . with love.

Anyone who has ever planned or participated in a wedding knows that something ALWAYS goes awry.  There is always a hitch in getting hitched.  Hopefully, it becomes something that you can look back and laugh about like the cake at our wedding (that almost caused me to cancel the wedding) or the bridal party that was stuck in the gondola for over an hour coming up to a mountaintop wedding.  My hopes are that instead of dwelling on the things that went wrong, my nephew and his bride can look through my eyes and see their wedding day was filled with more than just the love the two of them shared.

They were joined in marriage before God and blessed by family.  In my opinion, that is the greatest beginning to a love story.

A letter to my little girl

Leave a reply

Dear Savannah Kate:

Hey Katydid!  It has been a while since I had a chance to write specifically to you.  Just because I don’t write or talk about you, Timothy, and Noah as much as Reed, Sawyer, Erin or Cloie doesn’t mean that I love you any less.  In fact, there are some days that I just plain miss the things that I never got to experience with the babies I carried, but did not hold.

I wanted to write to you because this past weekend I missed you so much that my heart literally ached.  Your oldest cousin, Derek, got married to the love of his life, Jeannette.  When it was time for family pictures, one was taken with the cousins, I had to step away.  Daddy saw me sobbing, and he didn’t have to ask.  He just knew that it was because in my imagination I could picture all seven of my children posing (okay, most likely hamming it up) in that picture.

Katydid, your twin sister was the flower girl.  She looked adorable in her dress, but it was her bouncing curls that had me mesmerized.  I often wonder how similar the two of you would be.  Does your hair curl just like hers? Or do you have red curls like your namesake while Cloie has dark curls like hers? Do you love superheroes and fighting evil villains just like she does?  Would you giggle the same or be as mischievous?  Do you sing as beautifully?  (On that last one, I use my dreams to believe you sparkle and shine in the heavenly chorus.) 

At the wedding reception and dance, the broken places in my heart received some patching as all of us in Daddy’s family pitched in to work, but more importantly to love together.  Simply put, we had fun. Once the dance started, I had to stifle my giggles watching those bouncy curls as Cloie spun, twirled, and shimmied. The best was the ballroom dancing that she and Kimberly performed complete with big finishes at the end of the song.  All the while those curls bounced, I kept thinking what the two of you would be like together.

I don’t really care what other people say because I genuinely miss you.  Tonight is the night that we get to remember you and the boys.  Last year, I asked the other kids if they enjoy going to the October 15th candlelight remembrance or if it was a chore to them.  Their response made me cry.  Not only because it was sweet and humble, but more so that they “got it”.  Their unified response was summed up by Sawyer.  “Mom, we all have birthdays and other special holidays just for us kids.  This is the one day a year that we have special for Noah, Tim, and Savannah; so, no it isn’t a chore, but more so an honor to remember our siblings this day each year.”

So tonight, Katydid, for the annual October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Candlelight Remembrance we will be lighting candles in memory of you three babies.  Even though we never met you, you and the boys made a difference in this world . . . even if that difference was to change our hearts so that we could help others.

I love you always, sweet girl, and someday in Heaven, I can’t wait to hold you.

Love, Momma

Note: For more information on today, please visit www.october15th.com

My family and I will be remembering at a special service hosted annually at our church.  Please contact me, if you would like more information.

3 Things: 10/8/12

Leave a reply

I needed a week long to recover from Reed’s Run.  I have a series of blogs that will be coming in the next few days sharing special memories from that weekend, but I have missed writing about things that I enjoy.  So now that Reed’s Run has come to a close, I am ready to share my weekly list of things that make me smile.

  1. Surprises – I had a big one at Reed’s Run which I will be sharing in a later blog, and I had one this summer.  On our return trip home from Florida our first night’s stop was actually at my grandmother’s house in Alabama.  When we arrived, there was a car in the driveway that I didn’t recognize.  If you grew up in the South, you know to read the license plates because it will tell you not only the state from which the car hails but also the county, designated by words or by a code number.  In this case, the car was from Fulton County, Georgia.  I knew in a heartbeat that could only mean one thing . . . my Uncle Rendell and my Aunt Margaret.  Knowing that my aunt was extremely ill with Stage 4 cancer, their presence was a gift incredible!  To know that I was loved that much to make a couple hour trip brought me to tears.  We had such a lovely visit catching up and seeing how my kids and their grandkids had grown.  It would be our last conversation because my aunt went home to Jesus at the beginning of September.  Even though it was our last visit here, she is just one of the many necks that I cannot wait to hug in heaven. Surprises that become cherished memories DEFINITELY make me smile.
  2. Impromptu Family/Friends Gatherings – The night before Reed’s Run we had an impromptu bonfire and birthday celebration for our September birthdays following the Lakeview football game.  We had a goofy sing-along naming off a bunch of names of ninth month celebrants followed by roasting s’mores in place of serving birthday cake.  The giggles and story-swapping only got better as the fire died down.  Sawyer had a great time meeting his “God-brother” for the first time and helping him to roast a marshmallow.  It wasn’t fancy nor was it gourmet – although we turned a few heads by following a Team Stevens time-honored tradition of using Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups instead of Hershey’s bars.  Even though the gathering lacked refinement, it definitely exuded magic.  The magic of life.  The magic of reconnecting.  The magic of celebrating.  The magic of the ordinary and the extraordinary thing called love.  That kind of magic will always make me smile.
  3. Amazing Friends – The week before Reed’s Run, I received a phone call from a dear friend who told me that she was praying for my Sunday.  It was a good thing that it was not a Skype conversation.  I stood mouth-apage with eyebrows raised in perplexity.  “Did she really think that the Run was Sunday?”  My silent indignation must have been perceivable through the phone line.  My friend further explained that she knew that Reed’s Run was probably the closest thing to a wedding that we would ever have for Reed.  She had been praying for me not to wake-up on Sunday and say disappointedly, “We went to all that work for that!”  I understood that sentiment of disappointment. She wanted us to wake up blessed and amazed.  (We did.) More importantly, this sweet lady wanted us to know that people were praying – even for things that we didn’t know.  Having friends that know your needs even before you know them is smile-worthy.

Feeling loved.  Being surprised, even when I knew I was  saying good-bye.  Having second mile friends.  Celebrating the little stuff.  All of it confirms something that I heard on the radio the other day.

The speaker said that we should all have “campaign signs” in our front yards that said that “God voted for me!”  My last few weeks have been a secure confirmation that the speaker spoke the truth!

Blessed and loved . . . and still smiling!