We’ll tell you when you’re older

Even though I know the outcome of their fateful decision, there are times when I identify with Adam and Eve. I am wired in such a way that the quest for knowledge is an insatiable thirst. When a new thought or idea crosses my mind, I study relentlessly to learn more. There are very few things which I allow to stand in the way of learning.

This hasn’t always been the case only my obstacle had nothing to do with me or my efforts. It was entirely my parents’ faults.

Growing up in the South, my life was a pretty insulated one. Whenever there was something that adults thought was too much knowledge too soon or something they didn’t want to disrupt our childhood innocence was met with a definitive, “We’ll tell you when you are older”. In my early elementary years, I would just shrug it off and not press much farther, trying not to think too much more about the forbidden knowledge. Although many times my wonderings often led to a dramatic and exhausted utterance of the phrase I would grow to despise.

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How could they resist not answering my pint-sized version of adorable curious-minds-want-to-know? In their defense, my nature was to ask questions, longing to understand anything and everything. I am certain I wore them down with curiosity.

As I grew a bit older, their resolve was steeled, but little did they know so was mine. They held the key to a vast library of knowledge to which I wanted access. I vowed I would remember all those questions to which my only answer was the annoying “we’ll tell you when you are older”. Unfortunately, my determination was no match for my curiosity and inevitably, there would be some other fascinating thing which would capture my attention and off I would go learning everything I could about my new interest.

They didn’t use their pat answer during my high school or college years, because, frankly, I think they knew I was on to them. They just wanted to keep us little forever. It was either that or they are information scrooges. If you’ve met my parents, take your pick.

If I had been smarter during all those years living at home, I should have pinpointed an exact date, age, or time when I would be deemed old enough to know all this forbidden knowledge. Why didn’t I think of that sooner? I have been waiting years for all those answers to which my parents are the self-appointed gatekeepers.

Visions of “nobody sees the Wizard” have been swirling around in my imagination for decades.

Apparently, the answer to how long one must wait to be old enough is about forty years. Just this weekend, I was doing some fact checking from my kindergarten days for my upcoming book. I sent a benign text to my mom asking about our first puppy. She must have been feeling incredibly generous or perhaps it was the lateness of the hour that caused her to let her guard down. Either way, the stingy knowledge keeper let slip a piece of the story I never knew.

AHA! Knowledge is mine . . . sayeth the child.

I am tickled to know that I’m finally old enough to know the once unallowable answers.  Now if I can only remember all those questions!

Just enjoying the day

This is not something I am proud to share. But my daily existence has a to-do list that never ends, and my time is often double- and triple-booked.  Rarely do we have a moment that isn’t overscheduled. Yet the last two weekends were ones that had me celebrating the unexpected – the magic of the unscripted.

On Easter afternoon, I called my ninety-one year old grandmother, Mama, for a chat.  She is homebound in Alabama, and I know she doesn’t entertain many visitors.  An aptly timed phone call every week or so, often lifts her spirits.  In our conversation, I shared we had enjoyed our Saturday and the one before it just spending time with some dear friends.

Her voice drifted away as her mind raced back through its years of memories.  We don’t do that anymore, but remember, Shug, we used to do that.  Just enjoy our day.  You know yourself we used to all get together and just enjoy our day.  We’d eat and visit and spend the whole day together. But we don’t do that anymore.

My heart broke at the last line.  She’s right. We don’t do that nearly enough, or in my case, sometimes ever.  I am my own worst enemy when it comes to the busyness of my life.

I say YES when I should say NO. I lead with my plans rather than checking to see if they are God’s. I fill my calendar with requests for my time even when they pull me in directions I didn’t intend to go, and yes, at times that means crazy.

Yet the unexpected time spent with family and friends (who we call family) in recent days have worked like divine spittle removing the scales from my eyes.

Two weekends ago, cousins passing through on a cross-country drive stopped in after spending the night at home of other cousins.  As we sat and visited, the cousins who offered the place to rest pulled up in the driveway.  At first my eyes could not believe it.  What my eyes didn’t believe made my heart burst with excitement. My thoughts swirling around this is going to be the BEST. DAY. EVER! And it was!

Fast forward to this past weekend and my hectic schedule kept me from organizing get-togethers much sooner than I actually did, but traditions are the glue that hold my clan together.  A quick e-mail the day before turned into a day long time dyeing eggs, visiting, and going out to eat.  One big family just enjoying the day and making memories.  I had to hold the tears at bay watching my adopted granddaughter dye eggs, knowing how much Reed would have enjoyed that moment.  He would have loved her.

Our best friends love us despite our busyness, and they have embraced our penchant for eleven minute planning.  You read that correctly, it says 11 minutes not in the eleventh hour.  Our gatherings often begin with a text, phone call, or bumping into each other at the store a few minutes before we plan to do something.  This style was true to form this weekend.  One text created an entire Easter dinner and egg hunt of which we enjoyed every second.  Good food, even better stories, one hand picked family (minus the college students) just enjoying the day.

I often say that God has to slow me down to realize what he is trying to tell me.  More times than not, he has to repeat the message over and over for me to catch on.  Three unexpected times of slowing down with loved ones and a heartfelt, memory-laced, reminder from my Mama were eye-opening experiences which led my heart to focus on the message in our devotion at supper last night.

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How much is the sheer busyness of your life preventing you from living the life God is calling you to live?

The convicting answer was way too much.  God got my attention.  How will he get yours?

As for me, I am hoping to fill my calendar with many more “just enjoying our day”.

 

 

Shout out to 3.21

Speechless.

That doesn’t happen to me often, but it certainly did Friday night at the Spring State Games for the Minnesota Special Olympics. My eyes poured out what my mouth couldn’t say. For the last three years I have been involved as a cheer team coach for flag football teams, and this winter was my first foray into the world of basketball cheering for Special Olympics.

When I accepted my son’s plea to create as close to an experience that he had on his high school football team for the athletes with intellectual disabilities he was coaching, I was ecstatic to become involved. He wanted the works: cheerleaders, banners, and letters (if possible) from local high schools.

Once a cheerleader always a cheerleader . . . it’s like remembering how to ride a bike.

Glittery pompoms, choreographed dance routines, creating cheers, and pumping up the crowd are all fun experiences, but even these pale in comparison to the joy of working with all the amazing athletes, coaches, and families of Special Olympics.

The hoopla of March Madness doesn’t stand a chance compared to being brave in the attempt.

Friday night was no exception. The Spirit (isn’t that about the most perfect name ever) were playing full court basketball. An earlier loss in overtime knocked them out of one bracket, but certainly not down. Later playing for a chance at a medal, the game came down to the last few seconds, the teams having been back and forth tied most of the second half. A pull ahead basket and one successful free throw clinched the game.

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

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My inability to speak came at the awards ceremony, when I heard that there was a special announcement. One of my football cheerleaders, who plays basketball in the winter, was handed the mic. Honestly I was expecting to learn of someone’s birthday.

I couldn’t have been more surprised.

A very special thank you was given to me for always being there to cheer them on and to the head coach of our delegation for all she does to make Special Olympics amazing in our community.

All I had to offer was tears.

I certainly don’t feel I hold a candle to the Coach M, considering she has 40+ years of volunteering compared to my three. It was a humbling honoring, serving as a reminder of what I preach to my own children.

Loving others goes a long way and you can never go wrong championing those around you.

Of all the places I volunteer, Special Olympics is one I hold most dear, capturing my heart each and every season.   Some may only see the disability, which is regrettable, because behind outward appearances are some of the best displays of resilience, enthusiasm, dedication, athleticism, hard work, sportsmanship and grit.

While not every Special Olympian has Down’s Syndrome, there are plenty that do, including my special friend, C, whose words caught me off guard on Friday night. In honor of her and every other individual with 3 copies of the 21st chromosome, today I celebrate you on World Down’s Syndrome Day (3.21)!

Thank you for the amazing AWESOME you bring not only to my life, but to the world.

Your ability to shine as Down Right Perfect . . . takes my breath away!

 

 

Tearful Praise

Twice in the last week, I have heard the same alarming study.  The television and news journal both telling the findings of recent research regarding the endemic rise of heroin use among younger and younger people.  After hearing the details of the gateway experience attributed to this alarming trend, I was overcome with grief for the families chronicled in the stories.

My husband will explain he judges the quality of a story, movie, or commercial by my reaction.  Not ashamed to admit: I am a crier.  If the story causes me to cry, his judgment is two thumbs up.  No emotional reaction means it probably wasn’t worth watching.

Yet the visceral response after hearing of the families impacted by heroin use, brought me to my knees in tearful praise.  Tearful praise?  How could that be my reaction you might wonder?

The proverb – There but for the grace of God – would be aptly fitting here.  The youth in the studies had one common link – a childhood injury treated with narcotic pain-killers.  I am not anti-pharmaceutical, but I remember a day when we were forced to make a decision.

Following the bus crash, one of the Sawyer’s doctors prescribing higher and higher doses of pain medications which had us questioning this line of treatment.  Don’t get me wrong . . .  my son’s physical and emotional pain exceeded any human scale, but my spirit was unsettled. If we continue to give him more and more of these medicines, what will happen in his future when he gets hurt?

With my educational background, I have enough knowledge of neuroscience, chemistry, and biology to understand how complex biological systems adjust to a new state of homeostasis.

Sitting in that doctor’s office hearing the physician wanted to add another narcotic to the already lengthy list for an eleven year old had me baffled.  After consulting with other friends, who happen to be physicians and who shared our concerns, we changed doctors.

The first thing the new medical team prescribed was to wean off the narcotic pain medications immediately (as in do not pass Go and do not collect $200)  which was acknowledgement of all my worries.  I knew my son wanted to return to playing sports, and I knew injuries are often part and parcel with the sports he played.  While other moms were praying for all the things moms pray, I was praying  those things too with one addition, that my child’s brain chemistry would not crave medications to numb the pains.

God answered those prayers. 

When I heard the news story, the vivid reminders of those prayers came flooding back.  God answered the prayers of a broken hearted momma, who had nothing to offer other than open hands hoping for divine provision to fill the emptiness.

On my knees, tears flowing down.  I praised him over and over for answered prayers.  My heart overwhelmed with the power of what God achieved from the desires of my heart. Every surgical procedure, after the day we walked out of that original doctor’s office, we would take the powerful prescribed medications unopened to the police station for disposal.

Mightily, God answered the prayers of a mom who wanted to claim a future beyond his darkest day.  Overcome with gratitude and through tearful praise, I thanked God for the provision and while I was there, I asked for his comfort for all the families whose story did not mimic ours.

My heart breaks for the families impacted by addiction, and if you have a little room in your prayers, consider praying for each of them asking God to someday provide for them a day of tearful praise.

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By JFXie (Flickr: O Praise Him) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Miss Nelle

Dear Miss Nelle –

I never had the honor of meeting you, and I hope you wouldn’t mind me greeting you so informally. Your story and mine are intertwined in ways many would not have imagined possible.

Years ago my dad shared how your then two year old book, To Kill A Mockingbird, was assigned reading in his sophomore year of high school. He still chuckles over how this played out among his rural Alabama country school mates. The movie version had just been released and most of his classmates went to see the movie, featuring the dreamy Gregory Peck, rather than read the book. I know you have left us now, but something in me wants to apologize for their youthfulness. I like to believe you would have been proud of my Daddy, because he chose to write his report chronicling the differences between the book and the movie script. My now college son laughs at how that must have gone over in class of twelve. I have read of your admiration for your father, similarly my apple doesn’t fall far. My Dad is my hero, and his love of learning is embedded and encoded in every fiber of my being. We are both educators now, and perhaps his book report was a gift to the Beauregard School teacher.

Loving your words is just one small example of paths crossing. Imagine my sophomoric shock when I discovered as a teenager the place where we had travelled all our lives for Back-to-School clothes was your hometown. Every year we would drive to Monroeville to stretch the dollars of a teacher’s salary to buy jeans and other items at the Vanity Fair outlet. Those were the days of family outings as often three generations of my family would spend a day perusing the aisles of denim dungarees (as my Granddaddy called them) and various unmentionables. Looking back now, I am guessing I was walking on hallowed ground where most likely you had once trod.

Although he never reached high school, I passed on the love of Scout and Jem and Boo to my oldest child. He spent the summer before seventh grade reading what I lovingly called the “classics”. After reading the stories, we would watch the film versions. He agreed with his grandfather’s assessment years before -the book and his imagination won out.

There have been many other moments woven into the fabric of my life – a family vacation to visit the your hometown, the reading of Truman Capote’s classic and wondering about all the ways you helped him research, naming one of the family dog’s Scout (though I don’t know if that would make you proud or cringe), and gifting my Daddy the opportunity to play a juror in the stage play (which he claims was the gift of a lifetime). All moments in dedication and honor of someone who probably never wanted all the acclaim given her.

To someone who has been a fan of yours from the first chapter, riveted by the words of your story. I couldn’t believe my ears as I sat at home on my darkest day – the anniversary of the day my son died. Much like your private retreat from the spotlight, on that day I always seek the sanctity of somewhere safe with someone good. As I was reflecting on the day, snuggled tight with my tears and memories, I heard the newscast which caused me to shed a few more tears. The anchor announced the world was saying good-bye to Nelle Harper Lee. The world didn’t notice but I certainly did – a favorite author and my favorite reader share a heaven’s anniversary date.

My heart broke and was comforted at the same time – such is the dichotomous nature of grief. I can only imagine if my red-headed wonder has run into you in heaven he will have about a million and a half questions. My best advice would be to grab a couple RC Cola’s and settle in for a great conversation. Maybe – just maybe – he will save a few for me when I get there. And if you don’t mind, I would sure love to hug your neck when I do.

May your days now be filled with peace and thank you, Miss Nelle, for the memories.

 

 

 

Patriotism: Teach Your Children Well

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American flag – photo credit Euclid Library

I’ve always been interested in politics.  Well, at least since the summer of 6th grade.  I was visiting my Nanny and Granddaddy and while they were busy running a wholesale nursery business, I watched the national conventions (for both major parties I might add).  All the fanfare of speeches promising to make America better had me hooked. Not that at that time in my life I had strong opinions about what was wrong with my country, but the passion for citizenship was alluring. I have never had an interest in running for office, but I believe the election process is one that we should all teach our children.

I am a product of the Weekly Reader voting booths.  I remember the pomp and circumstance with which the whole experience was created and carried out back in my days at Gentian Elementary School in Columbus, Georgia. The school used actual voting booths (complete with the little patriotic curtains) as we marched solemnly to cast our votes for either Jimmy Carter or Ronald Reagan.  The excitement was palpable even if we were marching silently in straight lines to make our mark on history.

Jumping forward in time, I have always taken my children (even in car seats) to the voting booth with me.  I read each word to them, and we discuss our choices (even though only my vote counted).  I am THAT mom.  The one huddled in the corner of the room so as not to disturb other voters.  This election season one of my children has reached voting age, and I am thrilled he will be exercising his right to do so, which leads to today’s message.

Having formerly lived in primary states, the caucus system was a somewhat new experience for me.  I wish my voting record (including reading ballots WORD FOR WORD to my kiddos) or my re-creation of my childhood voting booth for the last twelve years for my children’s school would be enough alone to speak to my patriotism.  It would not because I would only be fooling myself. The truth is until Reed was twelve I had never participated in a caucus before.

After learning about the caucus process, Reed really wanted to attend and watch (obviously being too young to participate).  For those who knew my red-headed wonder, his passion for a new idea or learning concept had no limits.  In his enthusiasm, he attempted to persuade his Social Studies teacher to offer extra credit to all who attended a caucus of their choice.  In Mr. W’s defense, I think he thought Reed was looking for a few extra points, when in reality he was trying to encourage his classmates to get out and learn.  I don’t know what the final outcome was of those extra points, but I do know that my sweet boy attended his first caucus and was thrilled by the experience.

I didn’t tag along with Reed that year because we had already made plans to have dinner guests that evening.  If I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.  Reed only lived one more week of life, but that one evening of learning is one that has never left me.  He cared more about what makes this country great than he worried about missing an hour of dinner with great friends.

We need more of that in America.

There are many times in life when the student becomes the teacher.  That night was no different.  I remember his enthusiastic conversation as I picked him up.  He was genuinely proud to be a part of history in the making, agog over the choice he would have made in the straw poll.  I secretly took pride and felt disappointed at the same time.  Proud of my young man for growing up and living out his passion for learning and disappointed that I wasn’t there to enjoy it with him.

So no matter your beliefs or ideologies, think about living out your patriotism for one little red-headed wonder (who would have advocated for extra credit for all of us). Step out of your comfort zone, learn something new, and be a part of what makes America AWESOME!  I know Reed would be proud of my plans for the evening.

Our sunshine from heaven

Hey Reed – Today before I opened my eyes, my ears heard the tell-tale signs of rain.  My heart was somehow relieved, an acknowledgement heaven was crying with me, with us, on your heaven day.  The cold rain fell and the winds blew – reminding me how grief sometimes storms my heart.

But then just like this actual day, I am reminded of one little promise.

And God said, “Let there be light.”

The gray skies were still reigning.  My heart was with Sawyer, Erin, and Clo hoping that no matter what was going on in their schools today that they were being loved. The unexpected shone brightly and my heart felt lighter.

And God said, “Let there be light.”

The rain plastered the picture window, but the calls, the texts, the Facebook messages, the cards were stronger.  Laughter peeled when love came riding up in a minivan. There were bended knees and we felt each prayer lifted up. Each kindness sang a melody of “You are loved. He is not forgotten. You are loved. We are with you. ”

And God said, “Let there be light.”

When I wasn’t watching the rain lifted, and the sunshine came out in full force.  I don’t recall the last time the sun shone as bright on your heaven day.  I felt wrapped in one of those sneaky from behind hugs you mastered in your time on earth.

And God said, “Let there be light.” 

Yours shines brightly still. 

I can feel the warmth radiating through glass panes.  We still deal with many layers of the grief and the aftermath of this day. Then there are moments when I remember how incredibly lucky we are to have such amazing, resilient and kindhearted kiddos.  I think you would be proud of them.  The college guy comes home and we forget to tell him we are going to a game with a passel of 5th grade girls.  The results melted my heart and remind me of how much you loved others.

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And God said, “Let there be light.”

Remember all the hours you spent in the church nursery loving on the little ones.  Sister shares those genes.  We went to another game, and this happened.

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That morning, she didn’t even know those kiddos.  By suppertime, they moved their chairs to sit by her at the restaurant.  She loves them all. I swear we cannot go anywhere without a little one running up and giving her a hug.  It is beautiful and precious and I think you must be doing this every day in heaven.

And God said, “Let there be light.”

Then there is the littlest one.  I blink and often I think that she is you.  You share so many of the same loves that I forget you didn’t share more time together.  We still tell the stories.  We share the tales – lest she forget the details.  One day, she sang and sang in her room.  I listened to the music, but didn’t hear the words.  When she shared, my heart ached for more time, but I now know she won’t forget.

 

And God said, “Let there be light.”

And while you were here, yours shone the brightest of all. 

Reed – we love and miss you every day. 

Love – Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grief came to visit

GRIEF came to visit a few days ago and to make matters worse he brought EXHAUSTION, the kind of fatigue that causes the world to swirl as I sink further away. I STRUGGLE to hold my head up, to keep my teary eyes open. Deep in the back of mind, I am reminded all those who say I am a STRONG. Do they not know how some days I can barely BREATHE? The maniacal laughter of DOUBT rises from my soul as I remember a recent splurge of DISTRACTION. Drawn by the allure of my roots, I played one of those silly online quizzes to uncover my Celtic name.

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I am certain Boudicca would be DISAPPOINTED. I feel nothing like a Celtic warrior. The lingering thoughts of FAILURE of all those I have let down wiggle to the surface. I want to rise up and fight the INVASION, but I have absolute zero ENERGY left to do so. I WORRY about the ways I am not enough for my husband, my kids.

Then somewhere from deep inside me my own words come back to HAUNT me.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.

I may not be a warrior, but in the moment, those appear to be wise words. I CHOOSE to EMBRACE them. I don’t plan away the seconds, and I am PRESENT in the moments of our ordinary day – a day scarred by GRIEF and EXHAUSTION. I CHOOSE not to listen to the enemy’s LIES.

Eventually, I do the only thing that makes any sense. I CRY out to God. I lift an OFFERING of EMPTINESS. Empty hands and lifted face pour out a heart that hurts. And as much as a warrior I am NOT, he is – a LEGION of comforters at the ready.

HOPE arrives.

My daily bread.

My nothing is transformed into his SOMETHING.

It is the SMALL that I find the IMMENSE. God is present in it all.

A phone call from a friend who just “knew” I needed encouragement – RE-ENERGIZES and REFRESHES. A card from a coworker ACKNOWLEDGES the pain and reminds me that many are PRAYING. A Facebook message WHISPERS – God loves you!

I LIFT empty hands and DISCOVER God’s hands are not empty because I am CRADLED there, rocked gently by his LOVE. Even though GRIEF came to visit, God PROVIDED the comfort to ask the houseguest to leave.

And for me that is MORE than ENOUGH.

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The day his coat came home

No matter how hard I resist, a good quality book fair will suck me in every time. The memories of all the hours cuddled up with my kiddos on the floor, beds, or couches, in the van, at the park, and on gymnasium bleachers fondly race through my mind. This is the only excuse I can proffer for the reason I stopped by the book fair organized by the EMSP club at the campus where I teach. Like a moth drawn to an inviting light, I tried hard to avoid the colorful display, but eventually succumbed to the adventures found within the pages of a good book. I perused the titles, read the jackets, and one book sang its siren song . . . until the next thing I knew I had purchased the hardcover wonder to take back to my office. Safely behind closed doors, I read The Day the Crayons Came Home by Drew Daywalt and laughed until my sides hurt. I couldn’t wait to take my new treasure home to share with my youngest, even though neither of us fit the book’s targeted demographic.

Much like the book’s story, a once beloved item recently found its way home to our house. I wish I could say its arrival brought celebratory joy. Unfortunately after it was dropped off, numb was all I felt. My sweetie confessed to having similar feelings and we decided we would tuck it quietly away. The day Reed’s glasses, well one lens, came back to us was a day filled with tears of joy, but we have been so overwhelmed with intense feelings of disappointment recently that when Reed’s coat was returned to us, it was just one more reminder of the pain we still endure.

Without fanfare, I hung the coat in the closet.

And there it has hung – a silent reminder to a boy who isn’t coming home.

Days come and days go and my thoughts don’t swirl around the camouflage winter jacket hanging in the front closet.

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Then in a search for a lost mitten, I see it again and stand frozen before the door, while everyone else is trying frantically to get by me. I stand in silent agony and let the tears fall.

In some small, weird way, I feel I owe the coat more. Reed loved that coat and all it signified. He was now a hunter, following in the footsteps of his dad and his Grandpa Earl before him. If the coat were like the crayons in the book that made me smile, perhaps it might pen a message to us about its journey home.

Dear Family –

I know you didn’t expect my return. I have been safely tucked away in a quiet corner at the house of someone you hold dear. The someone who was called to come and pick me up when the broken pieces of your life laid strewn across a highway, later to be scooped up and sorted through. Unlike the backpacks and shoes that never made it home, I was spared the fate of those other items. I see when you open the closet, you catch your breath. It is hard not to notice. I never meant to cause you any pain.

I remember the day our boy first put me on. He found me nestled under the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree, sitting next to a new duck call and a gift certificate for duck and goose decoys. When he put me on I could feel how proud he was, standing a little taller, officially a hunter with all his gear. Pride mingled with joy are amazing feelings. He wore me every day after that through all those cold and bitter days. The only day he didn’t wear me in the few months we were together was when he needed his parka to go skiing with his best buddies and Dad. I didn’t mind the slight, because I knew he always chose me when we romped and wrestled in the snow with Huck each day.

One of the best smells in the world is wet boy mixed with wet dog and I proudly wore it.

Our last day together wasn’t anything spectacular, other than being cold when we left the house. I waited quietly stuffed in his messy locker while he went through his day. I never complained how disorganized it was, because I knew our adventures would begin as soon as the bell rang.

I just didn’t know that day would be our last.

Why we got to the bus so early that day, I will never know, because most days we barely made it on in time. Sitting there behind Sawyer, it was time to go home . . . only I didn’t know which home that meant for our boy.

I know our story didn’t end the way you had expected. You know – the story where I either ended up well worn with holes or passed onto the next one in line or given away to someone more needy. I didn’t expect to be locked away in a box for over seven years, waiting to come home.

And while I want you to know I feel your pain every time you open the closet. I was proud to be the one who gave our boy his last warm hug, wrapping around him for one last time. There are others in the world who would feel the pride and joy he once had, and it is okay with me if you want to give me to another. My suggestion would be the cute little girl who will someday soon tag along on some really epic adventures.

Either way just know – I was proud to have been loved by our boy.

Sincerely

Camo Coat

Crashing waves of dark and light

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The turning of a calendar page

Such a simple act for most people. For me, the turning eleven months out of the year is no problem. But, there is always a but, the twelfth month is a harsh reminder. A reminder that the waves I don’t see now are swirling out there in the inky abyss and they will come crashing down around us at various times in the course of these twenty-nine days. I am not ready. I haven’t packed any lifelines – other than well-worn knees that ask God for divine portions of his heavenly grace.

I turn the page and see the young man born in this month. As great as my sadness is I can only imagine the dichotomous roller coaster he must feel. Celebrating the day God gave him to us, to the world, but (there it is again) a few days prior we mourn the loss of his best friend – our first born. The world grew darker when our little sunshine was dimmed. In a world where he was perfectly happy to be second to the big brother who was his world, do we now make him feel second even more so as we regroup from our sadness to celebrate his awesomeness.

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The waves start to crash down. I confidently know that we are part of God’s melodic love song. Reed’s verse was shorter than we had hoped. But my heart’s song will always echo more. More. I just wanted more.

Like those waves of grief, I cannot stop the reverberation of more.

The cheerleaders, the well-wishers, the givers, and those on bended knee are still there. Their love carries us forward, even when we know the waves are coming. We prepare ourselves to be beaten into the rocks and to taste to saltiness of the waves. Somehow we are buoyed by those who remember.

Then an unexpected wave comes crashing down. I am caught completely off guard.

Stinging tears fall down. Maybe it is because I know the page turning will commence soon. Maybe the month I dread is on the next page. Time flies when you are having fun and sneaks in when you aren’t ready.

Everyone is gone from home and I sit and cry. I cry remembering all those long ago moments when the holes and scars and battle wounds didn’t fill our days. The days when life was simple, and we would spend half a summer day in our jammies and be filled with the wonders of the world.

Then somewhere deep in the cortical folds I remember the games we made up. The ones we played (momma and kiddos) on the white carpeted floor. The games where we would play for hours and fall out laughing from the joy of our silliness. I long for those days. I want to savor them, hold them in my aching arms and embrace them. The scent of childhood innocence still lingers here.

The memory of the game makes me laugh and smile, but it makes me cry even more. The simplicity of days. The joy of memories of days long ago, but days that God allowed us to have. The memories are too precious to carry alone.

I grab the phone and text the college son.

Having a tough grief day. Missing the days when we played “we are going to make a salad”.

In one moment, the university man remembers his time as one of the boys of summer, Stevens style.

That game was the best and me and Reed always had to be hair ball ingredients.

His response – reassuring and validating – was like manna of grace raining down. The lifelines I hadn’t packed God amply supplied. God’s grace. God’s amazing, providential, all-loving grace seeps into the dark crevices that ache for the time when this month wasn’t painful.

Once again, I am reminded that God’s light shines brightest in the darkness. Through it all – the pitch black of grief and the moments of silliness in our summer jammies and everything in between – God’s love has been in every moment.

And come what may in the tsunamic waves of grief and the turning of calendar pages; this same love will carry us through.

God once said, “Let the light shine out of the darkness!”

2 Corinthians 4:6a (NCV)