Tag Archives: God

Tears of Joy

photo found at buzzle.com

photo found at buzzle.com

Two months ago, I had the opportunity to speak at a church not far from my hometown.  I spoke on the topic of forgiveness – which is a draining conversation we all need to hear. So moved by the experience, it has taken me this long to be able to put into words the transformation that took place in my life that day.

I did write about my experience with God in the Wal-mart bathroom that afternoon (http://kandynolesstevens.com/2013/04/17/just-when-i-thought-i-was-safe/) but something much larger occurred that I have kept hidden in my heart until now.  Something I didn’t know would ever be possible again.

I will confess that I did not ask one important question prior to the talk.  I had spoken at several MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) groups previously, and each had the same format.  I spoke for about forty-five minutes, after which the mommas broke into small groups for discussion and prayer.  (The old adage about assuming applied here because this group expected me to talk for about an hour and half.)

I shared my talk on forgiveness, and it is an exhausting story.  Being an innate hugger, I often want to stop and hug the women in the audience when they are crying at my retelling of events.  They are crying with me and for me because my life story has touched something deep in their soul.

I know my story is powerful  . . . even I am moved to tears at times when I speak because it is a challenge to look out and see no dry eyes.  It is at those moments I realize that, “Wow God!  I really did live this, and with your help we survived.”

When I realized that they desired for me to keep talking, I politely asked if I could share where my family was today and about how God was using our story.  I shared about my children’s progress emotionally and physically. Then, I revealed snippets of my upcoming book, Notes from a Grieving Momma.

At the end, I opened the floor to questions.  After hearing my story of forgiveness, I knew there would be many (why at the other MOPS events, I linger to answer, to hug, and to offer encouragement).  It is difficult to describe that you could feel like you were catching-up with old friends whom you haven’t seen in a while when I was talking to strangers, but in God’s family the bonds grow strongly and quickly.  We have a common Father, and we can sometimes skip over the small talk.

Then came the question that caused my knees to buckle.  “You will let us know when we can pick up a copy of that book, right?” Followed by, “Please make sure that we can get a copy easily – this is a small town after all.” When I looked around the room every face was now smiling and nodding.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

As if on cue, immediately following my talk, my cell phone rang.  The caller was the other person who could give these talks if he at all cared to speak in front of others – he does not – but his perspective would be equally life changing.  My sweet husband waited patiently, timing when to call and ask, “So how did it go?”

I told him about the wonderful food, the engaged audience of mommas, meeting their adorable babes, the gift of love they gave me . . .

and then,  I burst into tears.

I could hear in his voice concern.  He knows the story having walked alongside me each step of the way.  Was I crying because it was such a hard topic? Was I crying because I once again went back and relived it? What brought on the torrential downpour of salinated drops?

It took me a few moments before I could put it into one word.

Joy!

Joy? I could tell from his voice that he had bigger concerns like had I lost my mind.

You know when God tells us that he wants – NO!  he YEARNS – to give us the desires of our hearts, He MEANS IT.  That day I knew what that felt like.  Every synapse in my brain, every cell in my body, and every stirring of my soul was alive with God’s message for my life.

He allowed my faux pas to be used in a way that spoke loudly and clearly to my heart.  I knew from early on that God does not give void to those whom he loves, and I knew that some way somehow God was going to use the pain of our lives’ stories to help others.   How else would any of this make sense?

I knew never that it would come in the form of my desire to be a blessing to others.  I never knew how deeply I needed the affirmations of strangers (now sisters) to tell me that God wants my (well, our) book and ministry to touch the lives of others.

I sat in my van, sobbing, confessing to my husband that flood gates to my heart had been opened – because even I didn’t know if I would ever truly be able to cry tears of joy again.

It was an amazing feeling!

 

 

Could I have this dance?

Email001When I woke up twenty years ago, it was to a congratulatory call from my Aunt Nernie.  What she couldn’t see was an episode of four in the bed and the little one said, “Roll over.”  As myself and three bridesmaids, all rolled in unison for the phone to be passed down the line to eventually reach me.  The night before had been filled with rehearsals (with one absent-for-a-moment dad due to an emergency room visit), my father-in-law charming my mother, a semi-truck full of potato chips (long story), a personal shower, and much later learning to line dance in a friend’s house.  All in all: a pretty eventful evening.

After rolling out of bed, I discovered there was actually snow on the ground. Thankfully, I earlier changed my mind on the outdoor wedding my heart was set on.  I drove by the church to see sweet little men and women from the church were there early cleaning snow off the carpeted steps with a wet/dry vac.

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The next few hours were a blur as I remember very little until . . . the moment I almost didn’t get married.  I was to meet the cake decorator (our original baker backed out on us at the last minute) at the hall for payment and set-up.  When she opened the box upon the hallowed spot, my jaw dropped.  It was quite possibly the ugliest pile of sugar confectionary I had ever laid eyes on.  I complained and got a pat answer of, “When you use fruit, it bleeds.   You should know that.”  Needless to say, I didn’t know THAT, and didn’t want THAT cake.  I proceeded to my parents house (where earlier in the week they had hosted a movie night for all of the girls in the wedding party featuring Father of the Bride and where many of our relatives had travelled to stay.)  The house was full of people having sandwiches with tomatoes sliced so thin by my Aunt Patty that you would have thought we were hosting a Ginzu commercial (not a wedding) while my Nanny was busy embellishing with flourish pew bows.  I came into the house of crazy and plopped on the floor, tears streaming down, announcing, “I cannot get married today.”

My parents were concerned but kept going with preparations.  My Grandaddy who always hated to see me cry was comforting me saying, “Oh Baby, please don’t cry.  You will make your pretty eyes swell.”  But the man who saved the day was my Uncle Rendell who asked my mother if she had a BIG knife.  The whole room stopped as my perplexed mother obligingly got him said knife.  He then said, “C’mon girl.  We are having a wedding today.  I came all this way from Georgia (to North Dakota).” I protested that my honor had been defiled by the ugliness of that cake, and I wasn’t getting married with that thing present.  “That’s what this here knife is for. We are going to go cut that ol’ ugly cake up and no one will ever see it.”  I have always loved my uncle, but never had I loved him more than at that one moment.  He made me laugh – the day was saved.

I later learned that at the same time I was having my moment my husband-to-be was pacing back and forth so badly his family thought he would wear out his rental shoes.

Again another big whirlwind of blur – getting my hair, nails, and makeup done, getting pictures before the service, and then it was time for the day I had dreamt about since I was a little girl.  My brother and I sang before the processional, and I remember one lady (a date of my husband’s college roommate) complaining that the church was too full as she entered the balcony.  I politely told her once I was done singing she could have my spot because I had a date with that gorgeous young man down front.  (We never invited her to anything again because we love full!)

Then came the poetic notes of Canon in D, and we proceeded forward.  There were lots of special moments in the service too – looking out and seeing that people were actually standing outside (it did get warmer) watching, the room filled with loved ones from both our families, our nephew falling asleep before it was over, and many,  many more.  But my favorite service moment was when the sweet Catholic priest embraced my Baptist heritage by asking all in attendance to say a hearty “AMEN!” to each of the points of the final blessing.  It was beautiful – two dichotomously different families blending into one.  The harmonious reply illuminated how loved we were (and are) by all present.

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As we entered the limo to take us to the hall, we leaned over to kiss only to discover that seated between us was my nine-year-old sister (who was my maid of honor).  I will admit that almost fifteen years later I snuck into her limo to repay her the favor.

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The dinner and dance were magical as two families blended together for one incredible party. I still remember memorable greetings from the reception line.   The food was down home and simple which is just how I wanted it.  Apparently, no one noticed or our guests too genteel  to mention the cake. I danced with my husband to Anne Murray’s Could I have this dance?, and I melted into his arms as we swayed around the dance floor.  Then I danced with my Dad, my Granddaddy, my Uncle Rendell, and my Uncle Buddy (who later paid an exorbitant amount to win my garter).  Magical moments I will never forget as all five of those men are ones I have always adored.

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Next to those dances, my favorite moment of the evening was being serenaded by a group of people led by my Uncle Buddy to the Louisiana written tune “You are my sunshine” which was fitting because he is from that great state.   We finally obliged the crowd with a kiss when the word, “love” was sung.  The entire evening was enchanting.

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As wonderful as that evening was, nothing could have prepared us for hard work, trials, and joys that really describe our marriage.  All of the time and energy that went into that wedding paled in comparison to the time we spent in preparation with God for our big day.  In fact, it went back eighteen months prior when on our first date we talked about God and faith, eventually sharing what we hoped we would find someday for a marriage and later raising a family.  We just didn’t know at the time the person who would be a part of that dream was the one seated across from the other.

Twenty years is almost half of my life.  Not all of those years were good, but we persevered and stuck together.  Our faith holding us together when at times we both felt like that cake.  Thankfully, we always knew that God saw us as beautiful even when we couldn’t see it ourselves.  Over the years that third cord has bound us together and held us up when we needed Him the most.

Twenty years: seven children, the best dog in the world, a few great cats over the years,  (a turtle, lizard, newts, frogs, pigeons,  and anything else I drug home and loved), more friends than we can count stars in the skies, some incredible memories, tears shed both in suffering and in laughter (the first of which being when the detachable train fell off my dress walking up and a little old lady chased me down to re-attach it), two college and two Master’s degrees, a house that is truly a home, amazing vacations, a shared passion of gardening, good food, and nature.

Twenty years: to finishing each other’s sentences, to thinking the same thing much of the time, a shared love of ridiculous humor, a combined joy of raising fantastic kids, a combined sorrow of saying goodbye too soon to four of them, and a best friend whom you cannot imagine life without.

So glad the dance continues with him . . . including homemade cards, family plays in the backyard, butterfly kisses, Blizzards for supper, snuggling in the bleachers, serving our God together, and all of life’s blessings.

Not a single day spent without prayer – thanking God for all of his blessings – especially each other.