Tag Archives: graduation

Respect *Integrity*Courage*Honor

In a few weeks, our little town will have its annual Crazy Days (which is something akin to a city-wide sidewalk sale). I had never heard of this tradition until my family moved to the Midwest. While the sales are fun to participate in, my personal favorite has always been the kiddie parade. My kiddos have been participating in them since Reed was three years old. Our streak has been a fun one. One year, we had the boys, two neighborhood friends, another friend, and Sister who all wanted to join in the fun. Oh my goodness! Thoughts of “Oh my!” and “How am I ever going to put a theme together for five boys and one tiny girl?” swirled in my head for days.

Cleaning up the toy room one evening, I had an “AHA!” moment. Sitting in the dress up bin were my Papa’s police shirts. My Mama had let me have them because for ethical reasons they could not be donated to a thrift store, should someone have nefarious reasons for purchasing one. Our parade unit would be a tribute to 9/11. Some of the boys were police officers, some were soldiers (uniforms courtesy of my sweetie), and Sister was Lady Liberty!

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I can tell you that even though my Papa enjoyed the festivities from heaven, he was extremely proud. Law enforcement runs deeps in my family. My Papa and both my uncles Gene and Donnie were LEO’s. Growing up with a scanner running in the house was just something that happened on the Noles side of my family.

As the granddaughter and niece of police officers and sheriff’s deputies, Sawyer’s invitation to the graduation of the 56th Training Academy by the Chief of the Minnesota State Highway Patrol was a pinch-me moment. I know to him it was an incredible honor as well. We were escorted to and from the event by the lead investigator from our darkest day, and we have considered him our friend for a very long time. Our journey to the Mariucci Arena coming one day after our Sister’s major knee surgery; so, only Sawyer and I were able to travel to the ceremony.

Our lives first crossed paths in a meaningful way when Trooper L came to our home to interview our children about their accounts of the bus crash. I remember his quiet and understanding nature allowing them to tell their memories of the day. I could not imagine the pain he had to feel collecting the stories of the children whom he had worked to help. He offered his phone number and told us we could contact him anytime. His was the number we called when the friend of Reed had a vision of where Reed’s glasses could be found on the bus. And he was the one who reverently returned the small lens back to us.

Our travel time was filled with lots of stories, the kind of catching up old friends do when they haven’t seen each other in a while. It was a beautiful time, another healing moment ordained by God. There were many poignant moments at the ceremony, each causing tears to pool in my eyes. The first being when we were escorted to our seats. The seats were marked with papers saying “Reserved for Dignitaries”. The Boy Wonder and I exchanged glances. Are we really supposed to sit here? Oh, my goodness! Papa, are you seeing this? There were real dignitaries in attendance, but to the troopers we were more than a young man and his mom. Our neighbors in the next seats were a delegation from the Wisconsin State Troopers who were present on a mission of remembrance and appreciation to this class of graduates for honoring their fallen comrade. Their sorrow was palpable, beating in their hearts under their badges. Watching the families, often multi-generations be a part of the badge ceremony moved me to tears, especially the ones who were repurposing a badge that was once worn by a father, grandfather, or great-grandfather. Just like in my own family, the pride of the profession runs deep. The messages given by the speakers were touching, but each of them gave profound advice – use your training to come home safely. When the Chief gave his address, he ended with the words written by my son. He asked Sawyer to stand and shared who “these dignitaries were”, and said he had struggled with how to end this year’s speech . . . until a letter arrived from a young man from Marshall.

The Chief read these words as the closing of his commencement remarks. He began by saying the cadets had chosen a noble profession: one that truly makes a difference. If they ever doubt that, remember the words of Sawyer.

As the bus lay upside down on the highway, it wasn’t strangers that helped get every child off the bus; it was the heroes of my community. The paramedics, firemen, policemen, and state troopers that I had known as my neighbors and members of my community who came to help me and my class mates in our darkest hour. People, who, to this day, I encounter almost on a daily basis, are real heroes. The frigid Minnesota winter afternoon of the crash, these men and women left the warmth of their families and jobs to come and save many lives, including my own.   They came expecting nothing in return from those who were on the bus. They simply saw the children they had always known who needed their assistance. Even to this day the humility possessed by these local heroes is astounding. Instead of taking pride in the many lives they saved that night, they take pride in how well I and the other children have been able to recover since the crash. I do not believe that you can become a hero by chance or by simply showing up. Heroes are the people who have a desire to help and make a difference and the compassion to truly be there for those in need. A hero is a person who does what it takes to help those in need regardless of the personal risk or cost.

I couldn’t hold the tears back. The pride bursting forth that we were blessed to have this young man in our lives. The joy barely contained because he had come so far and his life was impacting the lives of others. The honor of being invited to an amazing event left me humbled.

In the final oath of office, the newest troopers standing right before us, I bowed my head and asked God to please keep them safe as they work to serve and protect others. We took the time to congratulate each one, and even more tears accompanied by big smiles when several thanked Sawyer for the words of encouragement. I saved my commencement bulletin; so that it would be a visual reminder to pray for them throughout their careers.

As we were leaving swirling in my thoughts were the core values central to the mission of the Minnesota Highway Patrol: respect, integrity, courage, honor, all the things that we have tried to instill in our young man. The same values his Papa and Grandpa Earl lived by are what his Granpa Junior and Dad model every day. I was overcome with emotion. What a day! One I will never forget. Frankly, this was one of the coolest things I have ever done. If I thought that long ago parade would have made my Papa proud, this day would be the pinnacle of all he embodied. In the wind I could almost hear him whisper, “You done good, Gal. You done good.”

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View from the top as we were entering the stadium.

Happily ever after and once upon a time

On a flight from Minneapolis to Orlando, the onboard movie kept cutting in and out, much to the frustration of all who were trying to watch it. After many different stops and starts, all viewers were able to finally watch a good chunk of the movie until the pilot announced that it was time for our final descent, thus we would not be able to finish the movie. To hopefully soothe some ruffled feathers, he joyfully announced, “I am sorry ladies and gentlemen that we will be unable to show today’s movie, Dear John, to the end. Let’s just say the boy gets the girl, and they all live happily ever after.” Since I was only half-heartedly watching (or attempting to watch in between praying for my life and squeezing the blood out of my husband’s hand because this was a flight back before Freedom Day), I didn’t care much about the ending, concentrating much more on what survival skills I might need to employ should anything go wrong.

All that energy spent on worrying about nothing. I had already lived through my worst nightmare, and at that point was still daily living with its aftershocks of medications and therapy visits. Sometimes, I look back and wonder why I wasted so much of my energy on all that worrying, often missing the joy of some of the best blessings I have ever received. The greatest of those has been the friends who have come along on our journey and who have loved our family in incredible ways.

One of those dear friends found us through Caring Bridge. She was a two-time survivor of thyroid cancer, a prolific supporter of those battling other illnesses and injuries, a prayer warrior extraordinaire, an avid outdoorswoman, and champion to returning soldiers and their families. Just writing this, I am amazed at all she could accomplish in a day. She befriended our family while Sawyer was still a patient at St. Mary’s hospital in Rochester, a tireless friend and encourager who would daily post our prayer requests on her webpage. Having never met in person, she helped orchestrate for our family to be guests at a Minnesota Twins game. We asked her to join us, because she we really wanted to meet her.

From our first moment together, our kids were smitten with the dynamo, they quickly named their “Auntie Stacy”. Over the years, we had other times we would get together, where she would prove that “auntie” was the perfect title. Very few know this, but it was she who gave us the inspiration for the Reed-A Cheetah program, buying the very first Reed-A Cheetah at the Mall of America’s Build-A-Bear workshop. She encouraged our kiddos’ interests, and even went so far as to ask them to be official photographers of one of the military hunts she helped organize for returning soldiers. Imagine the pride they had at being a part of the official team helping military families.

Shortly, before graduation, I received a message from her saying that she would like to return the favor, by taking pictures at Sawyer’s graduation party. We were ecstatic for such a gift, because we knew our evening would be hustle and bustle. She was so proud of the young man, who called her auntie and for whom she had relentlessly prayed.

Sadly, she wasn’t able to join our party, in the way we had hoped. A couple weeks before our Boy Wonder’s graduation, Auntie Stacy collapsed at work. Although, she was rushed to the hospital, the woman who to all of us was larger than life passed away six days before his big day. Her funeral service was held the day of his commencement, just three hours prior. Due to the distance between our homes, we were unable to attend.

Our hearts were broken. How could this happen? I shared our sadness on Facebook, and another dear friend, who wanted to honor Stacy’s life, stepped up at the last minute to fulfill her wish to photograph our evening. Although her presence was not like the ending of that in-flight movie, tucked quietly into the decorations of his party was one of the photographs our kids took of her on “official” duty. It wasn’t the “happily ever after” moment we would have all wished for. Yet, a love like hers never completely dies, but rather lingers forever, because once upon a time, my children were loved by Auntie Stacy.

Just one of the puppies Auntie Stacy arranged to be given to returning soldiers. She was a dynamo in life and will be missed!

Just one of the puppies Auntie Stacy arranged to be given to returning soldiers. She was a dynamo in life and will be missed!

*Special note: The Reed-A-Cheetah program is our family’s way of giving back to the hospital where Reed died. The Reed Stevens Legacy program is available at the Avera McKennan hospital in Sioux Falls, SD. A stuffed cheetah is given to the surviving siblings of any child who passes away at that medical facility. The cheetah (which was Reed’s favorite animal) is extremely rare in nature and so, too are the relationships that siblings share with each other. The cheetahs symbolize three children in Minnesota who understand what it is like to lose a special sibling.

The healing came rushing in

It all started at Easter dinner. We live hundreds of miles away from our parents and siblings; so we have created our own version of family. “Bloom where you are planted” is somewhat of a driving force behind our merry band of friends we call family. After celebrating the wonder and amazement of the significance of our Savior’s resurrection, we began what always happens at our table – swapping stories. Our dear friend shared the story of the man who saved his life as a child and how he as an adult he still maintains a relationship with him. The flint was sparked.

Later, Sawyer asked if we would mind if he invited the first responders from the bus crash to his graduation. ALL. OF. THEM. There was something like thirty units that responded; so the number of people had to have been in the hundreds. Without batting an eyelash, I told him, “Absolutely, but you will have to understand that they may not be able to attend.” He was okay with that uncertainty. We set out to find the addresses, while he penned a note explaining who he was and how he was doing. He also included a copy of a scholarship essay that he wrote defining a hero. Here is an excerpt from his closing.

“Hero isn’t a word I use lightly.  The men and women who bravely serve our country now and in the past have earned that distinction. Standing next to them, are the men and women who show up to help others in their darkest hours. Although, most of these individuals would never consider what they have done as extraordinary, to me, their selfless actions are truly what defines a hero.”  (used by permission from Sawyer Stevens)

We really left it at that and went on enjoying the final days of school for all of our children and preparing for his graduation day. When a mysterious letter arrived on official Minnesota Department of the Highway Patrol stationary, my first thought was someone was getting a ticket. Then when I saw the Boy Wonder’s name on it, my thoughts shifted to . . . he better NOT be getting a ticket. I could not have been more shocked when he opened this correspondence. The State Captain congratulated Sawyer on his hard work and achievements, let him know that some troopers would be in attendance at his celebration, and asked him a favor in return: be an honored guest at the upcoming trooper academy graduation.

Sawyer was speechless. I simply cried. My parents had the same reactions as I did while my husband was in Sawyer’s camp. What an honor! A few more letters like that trickled in, but in all honesty, we had no idea how much that simple gesture would mean to others or even to ourselves.

We had worked for weeks prepping our backyard, because (I will be honest) I had a vision of what I wanted it to be. In one word: SPECTACULAR for my son. What I didn’t know was I was dreaming small, and that God had much BIGGER plans.

First, we asked some very dear friends to help serve and even a few more simply volunteered. Everyone saying it was an honor to be asked. We are blessed. For their love and tireless love, we are thankful. Next, my parents came a week early to simply jump in and help. Considering my dad was just a couple weeks away from retiring, this was a huge sacrifice. Next, the other side of our family from North Dakota stepped in and started helping with final preparations. Blessings upon blessings! Then, in the final hours, people all over were praying because as I have mentioned before, I simply felt cheated that we didn’t have this experience with Reed. Grief is an ugly beast, but God’s grace is so much bigger.

Commencement went very well, but our party was looking doomed by the weather. All the hours spent grooming the yard, all the plans made, all the preparations completed were about to be undone by deluge of rain. And rain it did.

I was sad and disappointed, but again, God had much bigger dreams. We eventually made the call to move to our alternative location, our church. Moving all the supplies was a gargantuan task, made lighter by many hands. About an hour before the party was to start, I learned that Sawyer’s letter which had made its way to the news media was going to be featured that night. THAT. NIGHT!

Conducting the interview right before the party began complicated things a bit, and we were overwhelmed to see the number of people who were already waiting in line. Thank goodness we have amazing, take-charge, selfless friends who just took charge of the whole evening. Caught up in some type of time warp, I think I had talked to over a hundred people and thought this party must be close to over, when I realized that only a half hour had lapsed.

Cousins embrace with the long line of folks waiting to see the graduate.

Cousins embrace with the long line of folks waiting to see the graduate.

At one point in the evening, we were completely surprised by the arrival of two great aunts and several cousins who had been keeping their arrival a complete surprise. Sister says that the unbridled laughter that erupted from me, upon seeing them was the best part of the party.

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Classmates, friends, neighbors, a few teachers, church family, fellow Scouts, 4Hers, and Special Olympians, and first responders just kept filing in. It was overwhelming, but in a good way. Just like every Reed’s Run, I think I got about three bites of food in the entire evening. Thanking each one for coming, and of course, hugging as many as I could was simple incredible.

At one point in the evening, I stepped back and simply observed all the love that filled that room. I had to will myself not to let the tears come pouring out. People wouldn’t understand. The message would be misread. They weren’t tears of sadness. No, honestly they were healing tears of joy! I didn’t expect it, but a flood of soothing healing for my heart came pouring in. A tragedy had intertwined our lives, but tonight we stood together in celebration.  Only God could have dreamed that was possible!

All those came in love and support of a pretty amazing young man. That alone was enough to bring tears of joy. It is a beautiful gift to be loved. Many of those in attendance would have shown up two years earlier for Reed’s graduation had he lived beyond the seventh grade, and many had come over the years to Reed’s Run. But this celebration was different. Tonight was pure bliss, nothing bittersweet. Our boy didn’t merely live, he was thriving and touching the lives of many. My Boy Wonder’s small and very sweet gesture provided healing not only for me, but most likely did the same for the last group of people to see Reed alive.

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One Easter table conversation, divinely appointed, led to one tiny note which had God-sized dreams written all over it, and for that I am incredibly awed and humbled.

Here is the link to the story about Sawyer’s gesture.  A special thanks to Nina Moini and the WCCO news team for this link.

Survivor Of 2008 School Bus Crash Graduates As Valedictorian

The ripples of love

I remember the day like it was yesterday, even though it happened almost sixteen years ago. We had a very new baby girl, and I had just returned home from my first appointment with an asthma/allergy specialist for the Boy Wonder. As a young momma I had never encountered a doctor quite like this one. He had to have been in his eighties, and he (not his nurse or staff) made personal phone calls to all his patients just to check in with them. Growing up Southern and a coach’s daughter, it was just assumed that any male offspring would be involved in sports. After the visit with Dr. Goldberg, we quickly learned those dreams might not be the reality for both of our sons. From birth, the Boy Wonder had breathing struggles which culminated in our once finding him completely purple and breathless in the backyard, which is what finally prompted the doctor’s visit. The diagnosis: pediatric intrinsic asthma. There was a slim (very slim) chance that he would outgrow it, but for that afternoon, I cried for all things my sweet boy might miss out on. I was heartbroken for him.

Looking back now, how I wish that was the worst news any of my children would ever encounter.

With a good management plan, those tears shed in my living room were for naught, because he was able to play sports and live a fairly normal life (with the help of a bunch of medications). I remember the first day in intensive care the morning after the bus crash. The medical team was very concerned about his labored breathing until I explained his asthma. He did have severely bruised lungs, but thankfully neither was collapsed. For several summers, he even attended a summer camp just for kids with asthma and allergies. Ironically after his last summer at Camp We-No-Wheeze which happened to be the same year as our darkest day, almost all of his symptoms simply vanished. He hasn’t had one struggle with breathing since.

Yet, through it all (and by all I mean everything that my children have dealt with to this point), I have never once lost sight of the fact there are millions of parents who receive diagnoses that aren’t going to magically disappear, aren’t going to have a surgery or three dozen that will make it better, or aren’t nearly as easily managed with some medications. For some, their family struggles will consume almost every aspect of life that many (including me) take for granted. I was grieving future milestones for my chubby-cheeked toddler, while they will embrace each milestone met.

Please do not misunderstand my message as some of the best advice I have ever been given was “don’t apologize for being your child’s momma.” It is okay to grieve the little stuff . . . period. I’m not going to ever judge you or tell you “that is a first world problem” or remind you to count your blessings when you are feeling low, and neither should anyone else.

My point is looking back and looking forward, I know there are much bigger problems that many endure, some publicly and just as many privately. These families daily face moments when they are reminded how precious life truly is, how much is out of their control, and how often times, raising a child with a difference (any difference) is just as isolating as it is exhausting. Many milestones for these families are bittersweet. Some are never achieved, but many are in amazing, spectacular, and inspirational ways as the children in these families stop the world with their awesomeness. It is for the missed milestones, the hearts of mommas and daddies grieve. For all my friends who experience these moments of dreams deferred, my heart aches.

Recently I realized the ache in a momma’s heart creates ripples that vacillate out in enduring ways. The moment caused a lump to be stuck in my throat the night of graduation. Our school has a tradition whereby the graduates deliver flowers to their mommas. It is a simple and sweet gesture. The ripple that washed over me with a tidal wave of love was not the one pictured in my most recent blog, although that is when my son gave me my flower. My heart echoed God’s joy when he and one of his best friends since birth decided to give flowers to the mom of a former classmate.

flowers for kim

There were a lot of perplexed looks in the audience when the two of them grabbed a bouquet they had purchased and went looking through the crowd for this momma. I quickly scanned our entourage of over twenty strong, and there wasn’t a dry eye among us. We all knew that it was a milestone being reached in another way and on another day for her son, but that doesn’t mean his absence didn’t hurt and wasn’t noticed. Those two sweet boys wanted to acknowledge the gift she had been in their life, never missing a game or concert even when their childhood friend could no longer attend school with them. Sure he would be graduating a few weeks later, but the plans they all had back in junior high weren’t the ones that played out in real life, before autism and mental health were nothing more than words they had heard.

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Watching the ripples of love from my heart pour out in action through the Boy Wonder and his lifelong buddy was one of the most precious moments of my life. Not for one second did I mind sharing my son with another mom, and I know the momma of the other amazing didn’t either. Our boys were truly men, gentlemen actually, filled with compassion and integrity. They understood the sting of crushed dreams, and for one small second, they hoped to wash away a hurt, if for just a moment. Waves of love and pride and gratitude washed over me as a tender reminder of the Father’s love for each of us, and in one tiny glimpse, all got to see the men He was shaping them to be. These are my boys (all three of them), and for that, I couldn’t be more proud.

Commencement

Oxford Dictionary gives two definitions for the word “commencement”. The second, North American in etymology, is a ceremony in which diplomas are conferred upon graduates. The former and more common is a beginning or new start. I will confess I had only ever really thought about commencement as the lesser used version, but after doing a little research, I clearly see how much I had previously missed. My vision myopic, other than my own degrees and diplomas, I have generally avoided attending graduation ceremonies, because I have always seen them as sad endings.

A few weeks ago, my heart was twisted and torn as the day of the Boy Wonder’s high school graduation finally approached. I tried so terribly hard not to let the feelings of being cheated out of Reed’s graduation cloud my excitement for Sawyer. Tried could definitely be loosely applied here, because eventually my broken heart blurted those words out loud. The gall-like taste of bitterness was choked down because I wanted the day to be amazing for Sawyer while the scab was still fresh from being treated like second-class citizens two years previous.

For me, it is often in the writing my fears or hurts that cause them to diminish. The giants are slayed. My confidence begins to bolster, as I remember that God’s light shines brightest in the darkest of places.

So it was on commencement day. I fretted about my feelings of loss, but once spoken aloud, I was ready as much as I could be. I did come fully supplied to the ceremony with plenty of tissues though, just in case. The tears did fall. At first they were tears of sadness, the end had come. (Remember I hate good-byes, but haven’t perfected the art of just slipping away quietly like my sweetie’s uncle used to do.) There were tears of laughter as I saw the superhero bedazzled mortar board atop his head. That’s my boy! There were tears of joy because we were surrounded by every one of Sawyer’s aunties, uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers (including the honorary ones), godmothers and godfather, and even his former nanny and her family. Even the few who couldn’t be there watched via the internet. Each one of those precious people had cheered him on through the darkest nights and hardest moments. For this boy-soon-to-be-man, these people (our people) had prayed.

We all basked in the miracle of the young man who was in front of us. The Boy Wonder who defied all the odds to not just persevere but to become a shining example of resilience, faith, and determination was supported by amazing love that evening. All those prayers were for him to live and hopefully to prosper (and no that wasn’t a Trekkie shout out), but God had so much more planned. . . to give him a hope and a future. God-sized dreams really do come true as he earned the distinction of being valedictorian.

As he spoke to the audience, tears of pride for all he had overcome to achieve the goal he set in the eighth grade fell down my cheeks. Despite all the surgeries and days of missing school, he never wavered in his commitment to coming out on top . . . God-sized dreams, for sure.

Sitting next to one of my best girlfriends whose son also happened to be graduating that nigh, we both shed bittersweet tears. Our boys were leaving, but both grew to be amazing young men. Both a part of the day that changed our county forever. Tears welling up, we held hands. Then, it hit me. Yes, my son was growing up and leaving. No matter which way you look at that, it would be heart wrenching to have another son gone from our home. My revelation came from the true meaning of commencement, this was a new beginning. The boy who had endured so much came out on top, but more importantly along the way touched the lives of many. In the next steps of his journey, I can only imagine what God has in store for him.

All smiles while giving his teary momma a hug! photo courtesy of his godmother

All smiles while giving his teary momma a hug! photo courtesy of his godmother

All that matters

It’s been a while, dear friends. I needed to process my grief for our latest surgical news, support my child who is doing her own grieving, and prepare for our upcoming celebration – our first high school graduate. I’ve been learning all sorts of things about myself through this process. Before I go any farther, I must admit that I LOVE (I mean love, love, L-O-V-E, LOVE, truly I do, love!) to throw parties. I am a planner and a dreamer which can be both a blessing and a curse. To have a party as significant as celebrating this milestone is something I have been dreaming about for years. Once we (as in I asked the Boy Wonder what he would like to do at this shindig) made our selections, I have been sketching, sorting, eliciting help from others, and doing a lot of behind-the-scenes prep work. I won’t give away any details until the big day.

For years now, my parents have asked me to assist them when hosting dinner parties and various assorted soirees. I have created invitations, menus, shopping lists and suggested decoration ideas from thousands of miles away. So other than the obvious fact that he is a guy and really only had a couple of things he was incredibly passionate about for the party, I have had free reign to create. The path has not been without troubles, the first disaster was our choice of an accent color. Somehow for a school with colors of Laker blue (think: royal) and black, the Class of 2015 chose tangerine and silver for their class colors.

Whether or not Leigh Anne Touhy actually said this, the line in “The Blindside” movie has never left me. I gave my best: “I will not use that gosh-awful orange . . . it is not in my color wheel!” He comes from deep Southern roots and decided a nice preppy navy would be his choice. I fully supported his choice for its amazing pairing with our theme décor.

Do you know how hard it is to find a true navy in fabric stores? Before anyone thinks otherwise, I am FULLY AWARE this is a first world problem and that no one other than my family will know the difference anyway. We spent four hours searching (to no avail) to find wide navy ribbon for our tables. I had almost given up hope when I had a spark of creative genius hit me at about three in the morning. Why not search for table runners? Voila! A great deal was found in navy and ordered promptly.

My excitement was giddy, only to have hopes be as swiftly dashed. Instead of the navy prominently featured in the picture on the website, the box contained Laker blue table runners instead. Curses, foiled again! This was a crushing blow which was followed promptly by the ordeal known as: “Oh good gravy! Who knew that mini-cheesecakes were this much work?”! In the words of Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

To most people, they would just roll with the punches. I. AM. NOT. MOST. PEOPLE. Thankfully, one in the inner circle was able to talk me off the ledge. Here is a sample of our conversation:

Friend: Hey Kan! How is graduation planning coming? What can I do to help you?

Me: (forlorn, but not so forlorn as to vow never to go hungry again while simultaneously planning my next ball gown out of the drapery) Not so well.

Friend: Oh? What happened? The last time we talked things were going great.

Me: I can say this to you and you won’t judge me. . . (long pause for dramatic effect and just good form in Southern story-telling) . . . why can’t I just be average?

Friend: (absolutely in stitches as evidenced by the fit of laughter on the other end of the phone) That ship sailed away a LONG TIME AGO.

Instead of suggesting I was thinking a little too highly of myself, she knew my heart. She knew that the Boy Wonder never (and I mean NEVER) asks for anything for himself, and here I was left pretty much feeling like a failure because I wasn’t producing the two things that he most wanted for his party – mini-cheesecakes and navy as an accent color. I just wanted to give him the desires of his heart because . . . Well, that’s obvious.

He’s my son, and I LOVE HIM.

Even with all the graduation planning and end of the school year ta-das for a busy houseful of children, I have been trying to spend time doing some things just for me. Exercising, reading, and crafting have been my escapes. Ironically, one of those big lessons learned about myself occurred at the same time as my disappointment with table runners and cheesecakes. With all the remodeling we have done in the last few years, I have allowed a few odds-n-ends to stack up. One of those undone items was to sew new hand towels for our new kitchen. I had purchased the linen toweling last fall, but there it sat, still in the sack on my crafting table.

I took one afternoon to cut, iron, and hem the ends of my future towels. Let’s just say what I envisioned in the quaint little fabric store in St. Paul is not what occurred in my basement. For some reason, my machine was sticking at the folded layers of linen and created what could best be described as a jumbled mess.

For several years, the Boy Wonder (who has since outgrown the severity) attended a camp just for children diagnosed with asthma. The weekend camp was in the heart of Amish country in Minnesota. While he and the other no-wheezers (seriously that was the name of the camp: We No Wheeze) were having the time of their lives, we were camping and enjoying the local farmer’s market where Amish families had their wares on display. The quilts were absolutely stunning. I’ve been told that the seamstress will purposely make a mistake because only God is perfect. I could say I was channeling my inner Amish, but even I know that would be more than a Mark Twain embellishment.

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For some reason as my shoulder blades were approaching my earlobes as my frustration grew more intense, God reminded of one amazing truth. Like my towels, I was and am, at times, a jumbled mess. I am not AVERAGE, because I am daughter of the most high KING. Even though I sometimes take my desire for things to be “just so” a little too far, he sees beyond that moment. He also reminded me no matter what my party or my towels look like, he would always be with me because . . . Well that’s obvious.

I am his child, and HE LOVES ME.

And after all, isn’t that all that matters.

The perfect graduation party

I love to plan parties.  Big or small, I adore them.  Sometimes I get excited over a giant squash grown in our garden, and that alone is a good enough reason to host a party.  I will say that if I had more hours in a day, one of the many businesses I would love to own is party planning one.  Recently, we had a graduation party – well, with one obvious hitch – the graduate would be celebrating in heaven.

We had planned ahead, found the perfect day and sent save the date cards to Reed’s best friends from his class, his cousins, and his favorite teachers.  Originally we had planned a Star Wars Day (May the 4th) gathering, with hopes that the force would be with us. Fingers crossed that Reed’s beloved Minnesota Twins would have a home game.  What’s not to love about merging two of his favorites with all his favorite people!

Apparently the Sith scheduler didn’t check with us as our desired date was for an away game in Ohio.  THAT party was a little out the budget.  Once the game schedule was out, we soon realized that we needed a Plan B. Sadly no light sabers could be used for bats in this one.

We decided to move the party ahead three weeks.  New invitations, lots of correspondence with the Twins organization, phone calls to the rental bus company, and other preparations were in high gear.

Finally, the week came.  This year Minnesota’s weather is getting on my last nerve.  Right before our trip, we had blizzard-like conditions in April. Knowing my tendency to fret, one of Reed’s favorite teachers stopped me and said, “You know it might be cold on Saturday, but we will be warm in our hearts thinking of Reed.”  Everyone needs friends like this, and I am blessed to have them!

Her words completely changed my perspective.  I was so worried a forecasted high in the 30’s meant we would freeze at an outdoor baseball game, and our guests wouldn’t have a good time.  She also reminded me that Reed would have never been daunted by this weather.  He would have just loved being able to go to the ball park.  Truer words were never spoken.  My little ray of sunshine would have told us to just bundle up.

The big day arrived.  I would love to tell you I didn’t fret, but I really wanted the day to be perfect for all of us. After picking up the rental mini-buses, we gathered our family and away we went to collect the rest of the party goers.  We christened each bus with a name: Faith and Love.

Always a teacher, I explained other than a collective love for Reed, it was our faith and love that held this group together.  Even if we had differences among us, TODAY we were going to show the world how faith and love conquer everything.  After the pep talk, we grasped hands, surrounding the flagpole like Reed organized years ago, and prayed for our safety and for us all to do the red-headed Boy Wonder proud.

The trip up was amazing, filled with swapped stories – a family reunion of sorts on wheels.  After a fun trip on the light rail, we arrived at the Twins stadium – all twenty-five of us.  We had great seats – which fortunately turned out to be right next to the built-in heaters.  Just in case, we were bundled from head to toe, looking like the little brother in The Christmas Story movie.

We laughed. We cheered. We ate ball park food, but mostly, we all remembered the boy who brought us all together.  We were an eclectic mix of excitement with a touch of sorrow when upon the megatron appeared: WELCOME REED STEVENS FRIENDS AND FAMILY.  Of all of us, he would have been the most proud of having his name shining brightly for the world to see.

But wasn’t that the point of the day? For those who loved him to carry his spark and light to the rest of the world.  On that day, I sincerely believe we let our little lights shine bright enough that we never felt the cold. Reed’s teacher was right; my heart was warmed – surrounded by such love.

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Despite the cold weather, the Twins losing the game, and all the frenetic planning, my perfect day wasn’t elusive after all.  It was right there . . . in the middle of all that love for one young man who brought us all together.

Faith and love: I’m pretty sure we did Jesus and Reed proud at the “perfect” graduation party.

Things I have never regretted

beachCertain events in life, milestones if you will, really cause me to pause and reflect on my life.  The obvious life pondering moments are births, deaths, marriages, and graduations. I endured the most painful of the latter on Friday, but I did survive!  I wouldn’t go so far as to say thrived, but I made it through with the love and prayers of many.

I started thinking in terms of a commencement note to my son (who I can only imagine had the most amazing ceremony in heaven).  The type of advice that one lover of learning would pass on to another.  Rather than a long-winded speech, it came out more like bullet points which I condensed into a list.

To my children – You are about to embark on the next step on your journey through life.  God has given you gifts and talents.  As your mom I have seen you grow and mature, while navigating difficult waters.  As an educator, I have seen you amaze me with the ways you tackle problems and the new and innovative ways you look at world.  I wanted to share with you that educating a person and educating a soul are two extremely different things at times and are symbiotic at others.  I have comprised a list of things that looking back now (hindsight is always ocularly clear) really did matter, and I am glad that I did them.

Twenty-five things, however small some may be, that I have never regretted.

  1. Following Jesus is simply the best decision I could make.  We as humans make this a lot more complicated than needs be.  Get to know him on your terms and follow his example, you will never go wrong.
  2. Sticking with a marriage isn’t easy.  Often it is thankless work, but it IS work that is worthwhile.
  3. Having each of you. Even if I knew then what I know now about your story, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
  4. Finding a career that you love.  I don’t care what anyone says making a difference is better than making money.
  5. Giving all my effort to my education.  I didn’t like every class or teacher, but taking required classes made me a better person by pushing me to see there was more to the world than what I had thought before.  Along with this, ignore people who tell you don’t take that professor because he or she is difficult.  Pick those people every time.  Trust me, it will change your life.
  6. Thanking those teachers who made a difference in my life.  Most of my teachers and professors have passed away, but I will never forget their faces when I went back to personally thank them.  When someone changes your life for the good, take the time to thank them.
  7. Taking care of me.  It took me a lot of years to recognize that I needed to do some things that made me happy to be a better mom to you.
  8. Investing in the people I love.  I disagree with the notion that three words can be overused. The world needs a whole lot more “I love you’s.”
  9. Reading the Bible cover to cover.  There are a lot of approaches to doing this.  Beginning to end worked for me, but whatever method you choose, just do it.  The words on those pages are the closest I have ever found to an instructional booklet for life.
  10.  Serving others.  I like being a worker bee.  Of course, one of you called me a queen bee on occasion, but the truth is serving others has been the key to helping me heal from more than one of life’s hurts.
  11. Learning to live without fear.  Most of my first thirty-five years were spent pleasing others in some form or fashion because I was afraid of letting someone somewhere down.  Once I let that go, I became a much better person.
  12. Loving to learn.  When I turned thirty-six, I decided to tackle a new skill each year.  As you well know most of those new skills resulted in gifts for others, but I have loved seeing the work of my hands bring smiles to many.
  13. Honoring traditions.  Sometimes that may be something small like chocolate chip cookies and homemade cocoa on the first day of snow, but those traditions became the fabric of our family’s story.
  14. Acknowledging the sacrifices made by others. Even despite our worst moments, we have never gone hungry, cold, or homeless.  Many of the freedoms we have are because someone else’s loved one paid the ultimate price.  Never forget freedom isn’t free.
  15. Giving back.  Serving others is closely related to this, but remember all the gifts God has bestowed on us.  Give of your resources (not just your time and energy) to help others.  Don’t let money become an idol, and make purposeful decisions regarding your income, for now and in the future.
  16. Planting a garden.  There is a lot of wisdom in our favorite campfire song.  Tending to the earth (especially on your hands and knees) is a great way to learn about faith, hard work, and God’s creation.  Plus, being able to honestly say that your hard work fed your family is rewarding.
  17. Having a childlike faith. Few things in life will ever compare to sleeping in a tent in the backyard, running through the sprinkler, drinking from the garden hose, dancing in the rain, or making a snow angel.  I don’t care how old you get:  do something that you loved as a kid.  You will be better for it. Also, don’t be afraid to dance with the mop, serenade the fruit (Oh My Darlin’ Clementine), or just let your silly out.  The world is a better place because I do it.
  18. Singing out loud.  Even if you feel you aren’t a good singer, make a joyful noise.  Music will restore your soul when you lose your way.  God can always be found in the music of life.
  19. Fighting to keep your childhood sacred.  We made decisions you didn’t like, simply because we believe childhood is becoming extinct in this country.  For example, you didn’t shrivel up and wither because we went most of your childhood without cable. Someday when you have children, you will hopefully understand our choices.
  20. Laughing at myself.  I will never run out of material as daily, I make mistakes, and the ability to  laugh at yourself is therapeutic.
  21. Forgiving.  This is something that is a lifelong lesson.  Once you begin, it quite literally becomes a habit.  God calls us to do it, but that doesn’t make it easier.  It does however often make you a better you.
  22. Getting rid of stuff.  I cannot think of one piece of clutter in my life that I have regretted giving away.  Don’t fall into the trap of letting your stuff run your life.
  23. Devouring a great book.  As much as I love a good movie, I have never found a movie better than a book – EVER.  Next to knowing Jesus, the second best gift we ever gave you was the love of reading.
  24. Being comfortable in my own skin.  It took a lot of years for me to find my own style (literally and figuratively).  At some point I stopped caring what others thought was beautiful , and I realized the woman looking back in the mirror was it.  I stopped looking at myself through the lens of others expectations, and I realized that God sees all his children as beautiful. Along with this, I have never owned a scale. A number doesn’t define who am I – period.
  25. Enjoying the moment.  Sometimes, the gentle breeze of the wind, the song of the bird, the laughter of a child, the nudge from a dog’s nose, or the tickle of the ocean wave is God’s invitation to slow down.  Take that advice because the cleaning and the to-do list will always be there after the moment passes, but the moment may never come back.

If I thought about it for longer, I am certain there are many more things that could and should be added to the list.  However, knowing when to stop is also something that requires some finesse.  Know I am proud of you all, and I hope that you, too, can add to the legacy of living without regret.

What I want today . . .

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Last year for my dad’s birthday, we bought tickets to a baseball game for the local boys of summer, Pensacola’s very own – Blue Wahoos.  After a much enjoyed Whataburger and sweet tea (of course) lunch, we headed on down to the stadium – sunscreen in hand.  It was my first Wahoos game at a stadium right on Pensacola Bay.  As we were approaching our section, we noticed two ladies hop up from some seats and two gentlemen in what appeared to be our seats.  After a recheck with the ushers, the ladies that had left and the gentlemen now seated were, in fact, in our seats.  They apologized and moved one section over.  All was great until the ladies (and at this point, I use that term loosely) came back.  One of them announced (well, more like hollered), “You are in OUR seats.”  I politely answered that in fact these were our seats.  I tried to further explain, but was cut off by a woman with her face in mine yelling that she had paid good money for these seats.  I stood up and showed her my tickets as the usher stepped in stopping my mother from bopping her in the head.  The usher showed the two where their husbands were sitting and that they had sat in the wrong section in the first place.  Strangely,  no apologies were uttered.

Sadly, I get her frustration.  She wanted to watch a baseball game on Sunday afternoon, and she was proud of her seats.  I get it.  Did I like being yelled at? Nope.  But in the end, we all got what we came for that day.

Right now, I am feeling a giant passel of wants.  Today, my son, my beloved red-headed boy, should be graduating from high school.  But that isn’t going to happen, because he and three sweet other babes were killed when someone made a choice five years ago.  I knew this day would come, and I am trying to hold it together with the best grace that I can muster.

Here is a current list of my wants –

  • I want to tell everyone that my son is attending Yale. (The university he vowed in 6th grade he would attend.)
  • I want to be going crazy, cleaning and shopping and preparing, for a graduation party.
  • I want my eyes to stop hurting from the tears I have cried this week.
  • I want the pounding in my chest to stop hurting.
  • I want my thoughts to be clear, not insulating me from the pain that is going to come.
  • I want to remind a certain few that I am not apologizing for my emotions. There is and forever will be only one momma to Reed.
  • I want to hug my son today – not just see a gown on a chair where he should be.
  • Lastly and more importantly, I want to tell him just one more time how proud I am of him.

But just like those seats at the stadium, what we want and what we get are often two very different things.  So in the last couple weeks, I have clung – tightly- to the One who has collected each tear of mine in His bottle.   I asked Him to show me where He was in the midst of all of this.  It seems every salinated drop has provided spiritual vision that has opened the eyes to my soul.  In all honesty, my provisions have been great and had I blinked I might have missed:

  • The well wishing to another mom who is doing the crazy planning before I had a chance to feel sorry for myself.
  • The hugs from fellow moms of graduates who have sought me out when I needed them the most.
  • A mailbox flooded with invitations from Reed’s friends for their parties because those tender hearts want us to know we are loved.
  • The mom who held me when I sobbed on the front steps of the church on Sunday.
  • The friend almost a thousand miles away who has texted or called every day – just make sure that I am doing okay.
  • The friends who upon hearing my joke about taking up excessive drinking offered to do so with me – just so they could hear me laugh.
  • A midnight ice cream run with a friend because that can solve most of life’s problems.
  • The mom who gave me a pep talk in the Wal-mart parking lot telling me that each of the graduates who knew Reed well was going to change the world because his presence changed the world.
  • The friends that offered to sit with me at graduation to just to hold my hand and pass me Kleenex.
  • The church that called and asked for me to come and speak this weekend, numbing the empty void of no celebration, but more importantly, reminding me of what He has planned for my life and Reed’s story
  • An e-mail extraordinaire that gave me the strength to get out of bed today.
  • Continuing on in traditions – oh yeah – McDonald’s for breakfast on the last day of school.  We have to go on – even when it hurts.
  • A cell phone battery almost dead before 8:00 am filled with texts of love.

Even though the items on my first list hurt with an ache that I didn’t know was humanly possible, I look at that second list and I can feel God’s touch.  I hear His whisper of love and mercy.  I know that He will be there with His bottle collecting my tears, wiping away each one.  So that one day when I am reunited with Reed and I meet God in person, we are going to walk hand-in-hand to empty that bottle right on into the ocean.

Then I will stand before my Father with hands raised high – praising him for each and every sweet provision, including the chance to be Reed’s momma.   After that, I am going to hug the mess out of my boy!

This song says it all . . .

What a momma won’t do . . .

In the spirit of Mother’s Day weekend, I have spent some time thinking about the joys (and struggles) of motherhood.  Being a momma IS and forever WILL BE my most important work.  I am not alone in this belief.  I have so many great examples of what good mommas do that I really felt compelled to write this today.

In the last few months, I have watched my friends and family make momma sacrifices that would flood the GNC (that’s the Good News Channel)  I hope to start one day.  (Of course, I know nothing about television or radio, but I do know the world needs to hear a little more good news – not to mention the Good News – everyday.)

Here are some recent examples of what a good momma won’t do:

  • Let her child fail at school when the pieces aren’t adding up.  (She finds a good tutor or helper.)
  • Let her child fight huge battles alone. (She digs out and puts on her boxing gloves.)
  • Let her children squirm out of consequences. (But, she is there to encourage them anyway.)
  • Let her children lose their imaginations. (She disconnected the cable.)
  • Let her child miss out on an opportunity. (She sacrifices time, energy and resources to make it happen.)
  • Let her baby believe something (even small) will be easy.  (Yes, it’s going to hurt, but she will be with you every step of the way.)
  • Let her child think they are the only one. (She shares scars from her past.)
  • Let her children assume that heartbreak is a private pain to bear. (She weeps in front of them.)

I could go on and on, as I am surrounded by good mommas every day in my world.  Generations ahead and those coming behind me have inspired me each and every day to strive to become the best momma I can be.

I am travelling this weekend to North Dakota, and the main reason for that trip is what one momma won’t do.  She won’t preach what she doesn’t practice.  I remember the conversation that started a long, arduous, but ultimately fulfilling, journey for her.  Yesterday, my sister (after knowing her for 20+ years, we dropped the in-law part) walked across the stage  earning her Associates of Science Degree in Nursing.  She awaits Board Certification, but she is an RN.  But those capped and gowned steps didn’t really show the whole story the eleven of us in the audience already knew. A single mom of four, her footsteps started as an idea when her oldest was a freshman in high school.  How can I preach to him to go to college when I never did? Wow!  I remember being blown away by her words.  I was speechless (which I admit is rare for me).  She went on to say that her dream had always been to be a nurse, and she had researched the local community college and found a program that fit her needs.  I will have some tough classes.  Will you tutor me? Absolutely!  My chips were all in for the biggest prize ever – helping her succeed!  She found resources (including me, the other sisters, Grandma, her own children, community members, other students, faculty, staff, & the TRIO program), showing her children that sometimes it takes a village to raise a momma.  She spent long hours, staying up past when the kids were in bed to study.  She sacrificed in countless ways to prove to her children that she VALUES education.  Her past three years have been a testament to will and determination as well as hard work and a few tears.

So yesterday, if all those other people at the college graduation didn’t see it, let me tell you what you missed – a momma who practices what she preaches strut across the stage as a college graduate.

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I am SO THANKFUL that I was there to witness each step of what a momma won’t do.