Tag Archives: heart

Birthday letter

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Dear Reed –

I am sure that Pastor didn’t know how his words last Sunday would impact me. I had heard the quote before, but for some reason, this time the sentiment washed over my soul as if God himself had given me the explanation.

“If there were no love, there would be no grief.” ~Zig Ziglar

reedhuck

Truer words were never spoken because I love you without end. From the moment we learned we were pregnant to the day we said good-bye here on earth and every single day in between, I have been your mom. I always will be. Even though our moments are memories now, you simply cannot tell the heart to stop loving. It is a heart well that will never go dry. Grief would be nothing if a heart didn’t love so deeply. Although, it hurts not having you here, I could never stop being your momma, even if I wanted to.

Sometimes, I think there are people who wish that we didn’t share our journey. This will come as no surprise to you. I really don’t care what they think. They didn’t get the chance to love you the way we did, with a love that defies the boundaries of heaven and earth.

Though our eyes may sometimes be clouded by grief, our hearts are always reminded that as much as we love you God loves you and us more! His beloved Son erased those boundaries so someday we will see you again. Definitely a love without end!

Today has been a delicate tightrope balance, because your birthday falls on Father’s Day. This has only happened twice since you passed away, but it is really a hard day for Dad. I was always jealous of how he had you to hold on his first Father’s Day, just a few days after you were born. Today, I just hurt for him. I think he often wonders what you would be like now, especially after seeing your friends return home from their first year of college.

Both of us are trying to prepare our hearts for Sawyer leaving home next year. Maybe it is because we didn’t get to share all those moments with you; both of us are savoring every moment. We want to hold on with a grip that would keep him young, yet we watch him navigate in a world as amazing person, knowing he is going to do great things. He follows in your footsteps, yet leaving a mark distinctly his own. If you were here, I know you would agree “The FORCE is strong with him.”

Sister is doing well, especially after hearing the news that she would play again after her injury. Just like that time you carried her after her bike crash, I know you would have gently carried her again telling her she was tough. You were there cheering her on. One of the most tender sibling moments ever is one she carries with her as she loves on all the little children that she babysits.

Huck, your four-legged best friend, is doing better than he has for a long while. He moves a little slower, but on a recent trip to “visit” you he moved without haste to lay next to his boy. Cloie is doing her best to help keep him young.

cloie & huck

Speaking of our little Sally Gal, she is perhaps your greatest legacy. So much of her identity is you. Everyone calls her my mini-me, but her personality is a mini-Reed. Just yesterday, we finished reading one of your favorite summertime books, “Love, Ruby Lavender”.   She laughed at exactly the same spots. In her giggle, I heard your laughter. In her repeating the good parts, I heard your voice. I loved it all. Though there were struggles to get her here, I am so glad that God gave us her, but more so, that she came packaged with your heart. It does mine good in so many ways.

Just like you always wanted to do, we once again celebrated your birthday with blizzards for supper tonight. So much better than “Happy Birthday”, the cardinal serenading us as we drove into the driveway was one of those amazing small glimpses of heaven.

The invisible boundary between heaven and earth doesn’t prevent grief, but neither does it stop love.

By God’s design, a momma’s love is a force much stronger than that.

Loving you always

Momma

I saw God at the prom

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The jokes of blue tuxes, boot casts for shoes, and forgetting the corsage were staples around our house leading up to the first prom for our son.  A little good natured ribbing is a part of the fabric that makes up our family; so the jokes were just the norm.  As the mother of the young man in the couple, my traditional role was to help pay for the tux (which after seeing the final bill made me think that creating one out of duct tape might not have been a bad idea after all).  As shared in a previous blog, my gift of love for the young couple was to make them a coursed meal from scratch.  http://kandynolesstevens.com/2013/04/30/one-tired-momma-and-lots-of-fun/ While definitely a labor of love, it was worth every scrumptious bite.

This was the first prom for both Sawyer and Rachel, but given their big hearts, it definitely was one to remember.  It all began much earlier as our sweet kids decided that they wanted to invite a friend of Reed’s to the prom.  (This would have been Reed’s senior prom, and thus, it would have been for B as well.  I think the video the kids made tells that story better than I ever could.

What they don’t tell you in the video is that Sawyer was just released from the hospital having his 7th surgery since the bus crash; hence, the jokes about the boot cast.  From that moment on, those two kids made sure that every decision they made was to honor Brayden.  In their minds, it was his last prom, and they still a chance to attend more.  They kept his family in the loop for tuxes and colors, bought two boutonnieres, and found the perfect vehicle to attend the drive-up (which was totally foreign to this momma).  A lot about prom in Minnesota was different than the proms I attended in Florida. While other kids arrived in muscle cars, decked out trucks, or vintage roadsters, the awesome trio arrived in a fully equipped motorhome so that Brayden would be able to arrive in comfort.

They put a lot of thought into their entrance, recruiting a couple little girls (one sister and one friend) to carry a banner that said “Live a Life of Love” as the RV pulled up to the red carpet.  They entered as a trio after Brayden and his wheelchair were sashayed down the ramp from the camper.  The three marched through Grand March, and, at least from the three families involved, there wasn’t a dry eye among us when Brayden had the biggest smile on his face at the photo stops.  He knew that he was the Prince of the Ball, and no one could deny it. It is a good thing that B loves lights because his paparazzi rivaled that of a celebrity on that night!

prom night 2

At one point, Reed’s best girl friend came running over and wanted to make sure that the four of them were in a picture together.  It was hard to keep the tears in, because in my heart I knew that if Reed were here, it would have been all five of them in the picture as I am certain that young lady would have been his date.

prom night 1

Although not the typical start of the prom, we all waited to watch Brayden’s first dance because he wouldn’t be staying much longer.  After cooling off for a while outside, B and his entourage (parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, workers) went inside to find Sawyer waiting for his arrival with a quick thumbs up.  He wheeled Brayden out to the floor, only to discover that Rachel had stepped away to visit her friends.

What could have been an odd moment was completely changed as Reed and Brayden’s classmates: girls first, followed by the boys, surrounded both young men on the dance floor. That magical moment  is one I will never forget as the whole group all danced together with the Beau of the Ball.

Huge tears streaked down my cheeks as I witnessed quite possibly the most, tender moment – EVER.  Originally, I had been a little uncomfortable peeking in at that time-honored moment of teenage revelry because I felt they deserved their privacy, but I am so glad I pushed past my comfort zone of Southern tradition.

Because if I hadn’t stayed, I would have missed seeing God’s love at the prom. A love that shone brightly through the gift of one amazing friend who blessed us all!

A joyful noise . . . the last Reed’s Run

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I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13:6 (NIV)

About this time last year, the first graders at Lakeview were learning to sing the National Anthem.  I don’t recall, but it might have had to do with curriculum on President’s Day.  One day, Clo came home and told us she could sing it.  All of us big people were more than skeptical.  Yet we entertained the possibility and listened.  She could do it.  Some of the words were wrong, but the tune was spot on.

As the months and weeks moved along in the countdown to the final run, we started to check off the preparations completed.  One box left open was the singing of the National Anthem for the opening ceremonies.  As we were preparing for the first team meeting, that conversation came up.  In the past, we have had friends including one of Reed’s best friends sing our country’s song.  We were considering asking a former classmate who has stayed in contact with our family.  When somewhat like the mouse that roared, our little Clo chimed in.  “I thought I was going to sing the National Anthem!”

You could have heard a pin drop.  Our thoughts: there would likely be a large crowd. Would nerves get the best of her? That is a hard song to sing.  Would she be able to do it well?  What about her hearing impairment?  What if she isn’t hearing well again in September? But quickly, we all realized that the hang-ups were ours, not hers, and since the run is about her big brother, it would probably be a forgiving audience.

cloie (3)For those that don’t know the background story, our littlest girl was born deaf.  She went an entire year of life before she heard a sound.  Thankfully, she has mechanical deafness caused by Eustachian tube defect.  She started having surgeries at the age of one to restore/correct her hearing loss.  To be able to sing is one thing.  To have excellent pitch is entirely another.

To ensure success, we enlisted the help of our neighbor (who Clo adores AND who happens to be a vocal music teacher).  From there, we just let her sing and sing and sing.  My ears will never get tired of it, because I remember the days of walking into her room in the morning.  She sat in her crib and didn’t have any idea I was there.  I remember the days of holding her and having her little hand on my throat because she somehow realized that there was a connection to my mouth moving and the vibrations she felt. I remember her not making sounds; so if she wanted to sing, we were going to let her.

She practiced.  She sang, and she sang some more.  Finally, came the big day! If she was nervous, she never let it show.  With a microphone held steady by me, she belted out the National Anthem as if her voice was strengthened by choirs of angels.  She nailed it.  It was so moving that many had tears in their eyes as a little 7-year-old girl sang to honor her country at an event to remember her biggest brother.

When she sang, it was more than a joyful noise . . . it was a healing balm to my soul.

Note: Unfortunately, her performance was not recorded in its entirety at Reed’s Run.  We do have her performance from Our Journey of Hope night (the annual remembrance of the anniversary) at our school.