If I had a dollar for every time, someone has said to me since February 19, 2008, “I wish I had your strength”; I wouldn’t be driving a well-loved mini-van with 260,000 miles on it. Mind you at least one hundred thousand of those miles have been for doctor’s appointments related to our horrible day, but I digress.
In my mind, there exist two apparent problems with their logic.
Number One – I don’t believe or perceive myself to be all that strong; so, I can’t really impart any strength building wisdom on to them.
Number Two – The actual response to this is one I only recently had the courage to utter. “No, you would never wish for that.” The only way my perceived strength was on any radar was after our family walked through the nightmare of our darkest day. No one would voluntarily walk through the storms we have had to face. Trust me.
To be honest, I don’t know if I would call the perception of my behavior, strength. Frankly, I didn’t realize I had the option of not being strong. I had three other beautiful children to raise, and they needed me. PERIOD.
Quitting and giving up weren’t options. There were many days – let’s get real there still are days – that I would like to dig a hole next to Reed and just wait until God calls me home.
But that isn’t his plan for my life. So strong – whatever that means – is what I will keep on doing.
The other sentiment that I have consistently heard since that awful day was, “I wish I had your faith.”
When I look in the mirror, I see a girl who happens to love Jesus, her family, a good laugh, my kids’ sporting events, and sweet tea! Notice, I didn’t say a woman of great faith. It’s not that I don’t want to be known for having a great faith. It’s just I’m not sure that God is done with my development yet. I know all my failures, sins, and regrets, but here is where the difference lies between strength and faith, I know who is stronger than all of that – Jesus.
He loves me like crazy. He has plans for my life. He cries when I cry, and he laughs when I laugh. He – only he –can pick up my broken pieces and merge them back together. Whatever “strength” I have comes from holding out my hands and asking him to help me, and always in his time, he does.
I have learned in the last six years, I care less about what people think and more about what he thinks. I have reconciled my thinking to understand that sometimes fire and trials have the result of bringing you closer to Him. Never in a million years did I think I would say this . . . but I am thankful that his strength has the power to take your despair to use it for his glory. This does not mean that I won’t grieve losing Reed or our babies until my dying day, because I will.
However, God and his Son are great recyclers, and together, they are reframing my storms to show me incomparable joy.
Thank you
You are so very welcome! I still and will continue to pray for you. Kandy
Thanks for sharing. One think I can say hopefully I be right that God and Reed believes in you.
Thank you so much for sharing this! We lost out son in an accident a year and a half ago. He was 4 years 10 months old. We have another son and he is 8. Everything you wrote touches me because that is exactly the way I feel! I know that God has his plans and it is the faith that keeps me going. I know our son is with Jesus now and he is in the best place he could be and that we will all be together again! It gives me courage to know that there is another mother out there that can relate completely. Thank you for sharing your heartache. I am sorry about your son Reed but now I know the name of another boy that our son Grady is playing with in heaven!
Joy – Tears beautiful tears fell down as I read your comment. I am so sorry for your loss. Never before our terrible day did I ever realize how God would use my words to touch other people. I am so glad that you found this blog, and it brought you comfort, knowing another mom understands. When Reed went home to Jesus, he was 12 years old. He left behind a sister who was 3 years old that he adored. I am certain that he and Grady are having an amazing time in heaven. Thank you reaching out. May God bless you with his peace! Kandy
Kandy, thank you so much! My bestfriend Elisabeth found your blog and sent it to me knowing I needed this. I am so greatful to you and her. It has given me comfort and reminded me to give my heartache to Jesus. When I read your response it made me cry but it is tears of comfort. May God Bless you and your family! Joy
Joy – I do take comfort thinking that Reed has another little one to love on in heaven. He was a most loving and caring big brother here on Earth. I am hoping that Grady liked football. Even if he didn’t, I am certain Reed has given him a few pointers now. So thankful we have found each other to do this journey together. . . until “Sunday” comes. With a love that understands – Kandy
Absolutely beautiful. Spirit driven prose. ThAnk you for sharing. Modesty in following Christ, but the power of the Holy Spirit shines brightly.
Jen – Thank you! What beautiful words of encouragement! Kandy
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